The First
by Zelda Silver
Summary: This is a story of romance between Ashlyn Amell and Cullen. Rated M. Acknowledgments to Bioware's Dragon Age Origins and Dragon Age 2, the Cullen Romance mod by Cmessaz and to the Cullen kiss scene by Dahlialynn, within it!
1. Chapter 1

Acknowledgments to Bioware's Dragon Age, the Cullen Romance mod by Cmessaz and to the Cullen kiss scene by Dahlialynn, within it!

Chapter One – I Will Be Watching You

The first time he saw her, she was sitting on the floor in a corner of her dormitory. Her thick, shiny, auburn hair was cascading around her face, and she was giggling softly with a young girl, a child really, no more than 10, her arm around the young girl's shoulder, comforting her.

"There!" She said giving the young girl a hug. "It is all better now!"

The sound of boot on stone echoed in the room. Ashlyn drew her finger to her lips motioning the young one for silence.

Knight Lieutenant Cullen had been doing his rounds, and had entered what he thought to be an empty dorm for a cursory check. As he gazed around the room, he thought he noticed a slight movement in the shadows beside the large wooden book case near the lavatory. Alert and tense, for he could smell the faint taint of magic in the air, he approached, and there, he saw them, two apprentices alone and unsupervised.

Ashlyn heard him approach and looked up at him with the most beautiful clear blue eyes he had ever seen.

"Ser?" She asked.

Cullen was taken aback by her nonchalant response. " Ah, what are you doing Miss" He stuttered. As he surveyed the scene, he could see that the child's face was stained with recent tears. On Ashlyn's lap, he noticed a small silver key chain.

"Give me the chain Miss." Cullen demanded. He could see the look of abject horror on the child's face. Ashlyn stood up, and with a bright smile she walked over to Cullen. Cullen was struck by her beauty as she walked towards him. She was tall and shapely, and she walked with a graceful sway. Her skin was pale and soft looking. Along with her large blue eyes and shimmering long auburn hair, she had full, lovely shaped lips and a regal but slightly turn up nose.

"Of course Ser. Here you go." Ashlyn said casually and looked him straight in the eye. Cullen felt strangely unsettled as he met her gaze. She hesitated slightly before she placed the chain in his open hand Cullen observed.

Cullen could feel the chain was warm. As he looked at it more closely he detected that the metal clasp meant to hold the small heart shaped charm had been fused together, and he was certain that it had been fused by magic. Cullen was one of the few Templars that could actually smell magic – a faint unusual metallic odor that he could not even describe.

"_Great!"_ He thought to himself. "_Two untrained, unsupervised, apprentices playing with magic!"_ This of course, was strictly forbidden, and these two apprentices would have to punished. As Cullen stood there staring at them, his mind mulling over his options, he heard the sound of boots running down the hall.

"Shit!" Ser Frederick could be heard to say rather loudly as he entered the dormitory. Frederick's eyes widened when he saw Cullen standing there. "Double shit" he muttered under his breath.

Ser Frederick was a young Templar, new to the order. He was enthusiastic and well-meaning, and his good looks and charm made him a favorite of the young apprentices.

"Ser Cullen, I can explain." Ser Frederick said.

"Please do Ser." Cullen responded.

"Young Tess was upset and I asked Ashlyn to take Tess to her room to settle her down. They have only been here a few moments Ser. I needed to find someone to watch over the other students. This is my fault." Ser Frederick glanced at Ashlyn, and Cullen could not help but notice the love sick puppy dog look he gave her.

"Demons do not need more than a few moments Ser Frederick." Cullen replied sternly. Take the young Tess back. I will have a word with – Ashlyn is it? - and I will deal with you later."

When the two had gone, Cullen turned to Ashlyn.

"You have used magic on this chain Miss." Cullen said.

Ashlyn paused a moment. She had not seen this Templar before. "_He must be Knight-Lieutenant Dawson's replacement"_ She thought to herself. _"That he could detect magic means he is not one to trifle with like Dawson – shit!"_

"Yes Ser." Ashlyn replied evenly. Ashlyn could see this Templar was no push over. There would be no use lying, "I used magic to fix it. It, it was all she had left from her family."

"I see…" said Cullen.

"Perhaps you do Ser, or perhaps not." Ashlyn replied evenly. "I know the rules and the reasons for them. I made a choice.

Cullen waited – simply staring at her, hoping she would say more.

"I am not possessed Ser. This is not blood magic. Do what you will with me. Make me tranquil or kill me. It matters not. But if there is any caring in you, please leave Tess alone." There was a sadness in her eyes that belied her defiance and her brazen words.

Cullen was an astute man. He could see the truth in her eyes, hear it in her voice. He recognized the absurdity of the situation, a mage, however unlikely, could indeed be killed for using unauthorized magic even for something as simple as fixing a chain. It struck a chord in him.

"Perhaps tomorrow then." Cullen replied evenly.

"Ser?" Ashlyn was confused.

"Perhaps I will kill you tomorrow… or make you tranquil." Cullen laughed. "We shall see. But you will not do this again. I will be watching you."

Ashlyn stared at Cullen. She was unsure of what to make of him. Usually she could read people well. Cullen's response was unexpected. Indeed Cullen himself was unexpected. She did not know this Templar. She knew of course, she would not be killed or made tranquil - not in this situation. She had said those words for effect, gambling that they would buy her a lesser punishment. Was this man to be her punishment? Cullen left her feeling unsettled, on edge.

"_He is an arrogant bastard_." Ashlyn thought to herself as he escorted her back to the others. "_He will be watching me will he! Well, I will be watching him!"_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: He Is Not Your Friend

Cullen was as good as his word. Every time Ashlyn looked over her shoulder there he was, staring at her with a small satisfied grin etched on his face. It drove her mad, but she tried not to show it. Whenever she caught his eye she would simply smile sweetly at him as though she had not a care in the world.

The more time Cullen spent watched her, the more impressed he became. That Ashlyn was a beautiful woman was obvious. But it was not her physical beauty that impressed him, it was her joyful spirit. In the days that followed he watched as she enthusiastically tackled her studies, reading every text and manuscript she could get her hands on. He listened as she questioned and challenged her teachers – not just about magic, but about history, politics and geography. Her thirst for knowledge seemed insatiable at times. She would read late into the night and practice her spells over and over again until she got them just right. And although she tried the patience of her teachers, they recognized her skill, her dedication and her perseverance. It was evident that she would one day become a powerful mage.

He watched as she joked with her fellow apprentices – especially Jowan. The two would play pranks on one another, bringing fits of laughter whenever one or the other was bested. Her dry wit would annoy the senior Mages, and would perplex some of the more dull witted Templars. Cullen would find himself laughing at her sharp retorts and cutting sarcasm.

In the month since he had been watching, Cullen had seen Ashlyn angry and sad, elated and joyful. He had seen her light-hearted antics bring laughter and watched her kindness and generosity as she was the first come to the aid of anyone in need, whether an apprentice in need of comfort or a Templar in need of some assistance. He found himself looking forward to seeing her each day, and thinking of her each night as he fell asleep.

And as he had been watching Ashlyn, she, also true to her words, watched him. At first, she focused on his appearance more than anything else. He was a very handsome man. Tall and muscular, he had soft green-grey eyes that crinkled when he laughed. Straight nose, strong chin, well defined lips and dimples in his cheeks when he smiled that set her heart a flutter. His reddish blond hair was cropped short and Ashlyn tried to picture him with longer hair_… "Even better!"_ she thought.

"Stop staring!" He whispered. She could feel Jowan's warm breath on her neck as he stood behind her waiting in line for their noon day meal. "Could you make it any more obvious?"

Ashlyn scowled. "Shut-up Jowan. I am simply defending myself. We need to know our enemies."

"Well defend yourself more subtly then. You are ogling"

"What? " She hissed back looking straight ahead but wanting nothing more than to turn around and knee him!

"Potatoes?" It was Hilda the cook speaking. Conversation over.

She sat in a corner of the dining room, pondering Jowan's comments. Had she really been ogling?

Was she attracted to this Templar? Well, yes, he was very good looking – so what! It was not as though she had a crush on him. It was simply that Cullen was not like the other Templars. From listening to him as he interacted with his fellow Templars, it was clear that he was deeply committed to the Order, but unlike many of the other Templars Cullen seemed to see reason over blind passion. In the time she had spent observing him she had seen that he was just and fair minded in his attitude and approach with both his fellow Templars and the apprentices. He was diligent, vigilant, but not overbearing. He kept a respectful distance, allowing the apprentices at least the illusion of privacy. It was as if he somehow understood their experience.

Her observations of Cullen showed that he was an intelligent, kind and patient man. When an apprentice would ask a question that the teacher could not answer, Cullen would step in to answer the question, or would show the apprentice where he or she might find the answer. Sometimes, when he himself didn't know, he would invite the apprentice to research the question with him. He was a natural teacher. And although quiet and shy, he was well respected amongst the Templars and Mages alike.

But perhaps what Jowan had implied was true. Maybe she had a little crush... for much to Ashlyn's surprise she found herself enjoying his attention and even more surprising; found herself looking for opportunities to watch him.

Jowan caught up to her before she reached her dorm for their mandatory "rest period".

"Please Ashlyn – listen to me. I see how he looks at you and how you look at him. I understand how this got started. Perhaps neither of you knows it yet, but I have been watching both of you and I can feel something. Ashlyn – he is not your friend!" Jowan was so earnest in his plea, that he gave her pause.

"Don't worry Jowan." was all she could say.

She tried to dismiss Jowan's words. But she could not help but wonder what he meant about how Cullen looked at her. She flushed at the thought that maybe he had a lttle crush on her too.

There was only a skeleton staff which supervised during rest period. This was to allow for shift changes, meetings, and weapons training for the Templars. Ashlyn decided it was high time she watched Cullen practice. She lifted up the chair in the lavatory and moved it so she could watch weapons practice from the lavatory window - the only window in the dorm. She scanned the scene below and at first did not see him. Disappointed, she started to step down when she caught a glimpse of him. Her eyes grew wide as she watched. He was shirtless – Ashlyn had never seen a half naked man before, and felt her cheeks grow red. His chest and arms looked strong and well muscled, even from her distant vantage point. He was quick and clearly very skilled with his blade. As he bested each and every one of his practice opponents, he would reach down and help each man up, patting them on the back and giving them individual advice as to how to improve.

"_Don't help them too much."_ Ashlyn thought as she stepped down off the chair. It was a sobering moment. Perhaps Jowan's words had filtered through. The reality was that Templars were warriors and even Cullen would kill a mage without hesitation. As she returned to her dorm Jowan's words echoed in her head. "_Ashlyn – he is not your friend."_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: And One Day, I May Have to Kill Her

As time passed, Cullen and Ashlyn saw less of one another. Whether Cullen grew tired of watching her, his duties called him elsewhere, or convinced of her intentions, he no longer found the need, Ashlyn did not know. Perhaps he was still watching discretely and Ashlyn was simply too busy to notice. Her Harrowing would be coming soon, and she wanted to be as prepared for it as she could.

Cullen was by nature a bit of a night owl. He had been sent to the Chantry by his uncle at a young age. His parents had been brutally murdered by a band of thieves. He still had nightmares about it. His uncle claimed he could not afford Cullen's upkeep and at the age of eight, sent him away. His early years at the Chantry were miserable. There was no love or light in the Sisters of this Chantry – just cruelty. Cullen had the childhood beaten out of him by the time he was 10. It was only late at night, when he was finally left alone by the sisters, that Cullen had any time to think, to reflect, to remember, and to dream. And although many years had passed since his early days in the Chantry, Cullen had never changed his habit of staying up late and seeking solace in some place quiet.

Since coming to the Tower, Cullen liked to come to the library late at night, when all was settled and quiet. He loved history, and would pour over texts and manuscripts – anything he could find really that chronicled the history of Thedas. He would scribble notes – he was never sure why. Perhaps he intended to write his own book one day. But regardless, the quiet brought him some comfort.

It was on one such evening that Ashlyn, preparing as she was for her Harrowing, was escorted to the library by Ser Frederick. "Good Evening Ser Cullen." Frederick said cheerfully. "I have brought Miss Ashlyn here to study, but we can come back another time."

Ashlyn was dismayed to see Cullen there. She had finally put him out of her thoughts, and there he sat, so handsome in his off duty clothes…

"Yes of course we can come back another time. We certainly would not want to disrupt Ser Cullen for something as trivial as my Harrowing!" Ashlyn said with icy cold sarcasm.

Cullen merely smiled and motioned to the empty chair at the table. "No. I insist Miss. Please feel free to study. Frederick, as I am here anyway, I will watch Miss Ashlyn. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

Cullen had not seen Ashlyn for some time. He had recognized that he was starting to feel something different for her, and decided it was best to avoid her. But as stood there, so beautiful, the feelings came rushing back.

"Why thank you Ser Cullen. Very kind of you Ser." Frederick replied and he passed the rather large number of texts and scrolls to Ashlyn, as he rushed off.

Ashlyn desperately wanted to follow him. Her mind raced. _"What excuse could I give to leave? I don't want to study with Cullen watching. Shit, why did I make such a fuss_! _Bastard!_" She thought to herself. _"He has bested me again! Wipe that smirk off you face Cullen!" _

Ashlyn smiled sweetly at Cullen and moved towards the table with her scrolls and texts. Cullen noted her eye rolling, and chuckled.

"I am glad I am amusing you." Ashlyn remarked, and as she did one of the scrolls got loose and began to fall to the floor. Cullen jumped up and went to retrieve it at the same time Ashlyn stooped down to pick it up – the two knocked heads causing the rest of the books and documents to join the scroll on the floor.

They both somehow landed in a heap on the floor. Ashlyn, despite her sour mood, could not help but laugh.

"Did I hurt you Ser?" She giggled.

"Did I you?" Cullen replied, with a broad grin.

Cullen picked himself up and extended his hand to Ashlyn. She hesitated, before placing her hand in his. Cullen felt the warmth and softness of her hand that seemed to fit so perfectly into his, and found himself a bit breathless.

"I am fine." Feeling her cheeks redden, she quickly released her hand from his and moved to the table.

Cullen collected her materials and joined her at the table. He had a thousand questions he wanted to ask her. It was like seeing an old friend. How was Jowan? Whatever happened to that poor young Elf that everyone was picking on and you tried to protect. Did you pass that oral examination that you were so worried about? Bits and pieces of what he had seen of her during those weeks of watching came back to him a rush. But of course, he did not ask. This was not a real relationship he reminded himself.

"What are you studying?" He asked.

Ashlyn was a bit surprised at the question. She wasn't sure she had ever known a Templar to actually ask about her studies.

"Healing Arts. Apparently that is where my talents mostly lie." She replied, her face buried in the text she was reading.

"Hmm – I see. Well, that is a noble gift. One day I would like to learn how the talents of the Mages work." Cullen mused. He regretted his words almost as soon as he had said them. While they were true and sincere, they were inappropriate.

Ashlyn looked up at him, eyes wide. He met her gaze and although no words were spoken, Cullen could see the confusion, the uncertainty, the disbelief, and the sadness that passed through her face as the words sunk in.

He had been wrong to say that. Gifts, talents … those weren't the usual words that Templars used about magic. Curse or taint was the common term. He was giving this apprentice the wrong impression. Templars were charged with the responsibility of monitoring mages. Mages were, by virtue of their sin vulnerable to temptations of demons. Any use of magic invited demons, and a mage possessed could do unimaginable damage_. " And one day, I may have to kill her" _he thought to himself. To be interested in this mage, to care about this mage, was too great a risk. Mages and Templars could not be friends, because a friend could not kill a friend.

Cullen looked away, and pretended to busy himself in his books. Minutes later he stood up.

"Time to go Miss" He said rather coldly. His tone was not lost on Ashlyn. She understood what Cullen was doing. He had crossed the imaginary line that came between Templar and Mage, and he needed to step back. That made Ashlyn very sad.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: I Will Watch Over You**

Cullen had done his best to avoid Ashlyn since that evening in the library. He had been deeply disturbed by his feelings, and had learned long ago, it was best to just push feelings aside. He threw himself into his duties and performed well, even gaining the attention of the Knight Commander on occasion. In fact, it was Knight Commander Greagoir who brought him the news of his uncle's passing. His Uncle Devon had apparently bought a small farm outside Redcliffe. Cullen's cousins had long since relocated to Kirkwall and apparently had no interest in attending to their deceased father's affairs, so it fell on Cullen.

Cullen had been away in Redcliffe for several weeks. It was late when he returned to the Tower. He found his way back to his quarters and unpacked his things. He reviewed the reports that lay on his desk. Even a cursory look revealed that Ser Lloyd had made a mess of the duty roster and figuring out how he was going to undo the chaos Lloyd had created was making his head spin. He quickly bathed. Feeling restless and still feeling annoyed with Ser Lloyd he decided to go to the library to see if there were any books of interest to read. He threw on his linen shirt, suede breeches and deer skin boots, and headed off the library.

As he was browsing through the shelves, he heard some whispering. Cullen was hidden from sight; clearly no one had heard him approach in his noiseless boots. As he peeked through a gap in the shelf, he saw her - the beautiful auburn haired apprentice. Ashlyn was hovering near that dark haired, rather whiney friend of hers, Jowan.

"We will never get away with it!" he heard Jowan whisper hoarsely.

"The Templar is sleeping – he won't notice if I am gone for a few minutes. It is late. Most of the apprentices are sleeping. If he wakes up, tell him I am using the facilities!" The auburn-haired apprentice whispered back.

"No!" said Jowan. "Where is that Cullen of yours… the one that watches you watch him? I haven't seen him in a while. Too bad... he is better than that pig Lloyd."

"I don't know and I don't care." She replied angrily.

"Hit a sore spot did I?" Jowan replied grinning.

"Shut up Jowan! Suit yourself then. Don't cover for me. I will relieve the kitchen of only one honey cake in that case!" Ashlyn retorted a flash of anger in her blue eyes.

Jowan rolled his eyes. "Fine then. I will cover for you!" he said scowling.

Ashlyn silently arose from her chair maneuvering her body as best she could so as to avoid having to push out her chair and risk awakening the Templar with the sound of scrapping wooden legs on the rough stone floor. From his vantage point, by craning his neck slightly, Cullen could see that Ser Joseph was indeed sleeping while on duty.

"_I see I have my work cut out for me. No wonder he is sleeping. He has been on duty for over a day and one half thanks to that ass Lloyd!"_ Cullen thought to himself.

Noiselessly Ashlyn left the library and hurried down the poorly lit hallway towards the kitchen. Cullen followed, amused and once again intrigued by this young woman's spirit. Knowing where she was heading made it easy to keep out of sight, hiding when necessary in the many recesses in the long hallway from the library to the kitchen. Ashlyn reached the kitchen without incident and snitched two freshly baked honey cakes. _"Maker bless cook Hilda!"_ Ashlyn thought to herself with a big satisfied smile on her lips. The smell of the cakes was intoxicating and it made her stomach rumble.

Successful in her task, Ashlyn headed back to the library. As she turned the corner, just a few feet away from the library, she ran smack into Ser Lloyd. Ashlyn came to a full stop. The Templar eyed her passively. Lloyd was a large man. He just stood there, arms crossed, blocking her way.

"_At least Ser Lloyd is awake."_ Cullen thought to himself.

"Apprentice girl – I see you are unaccompanied. Where is your guard?" Ser Lloyd questioned.

"I have been to the kitchen Ser Lloyd. I am bringing the Templar something to eat." Ashlyn replied confidently, with a bright smile on her face, hoping to disarm the surly Templar.

"Do not lie to me girl." He sneered. "Perhaps our last encounter was not sufficient for you to understand the rules, or perhaps you would like to feel my hand somewhere other than across the side of your face." Ser Lloyd tone was ominous and Cullen did not like it.

Ashlyn stood motionlessly. "Ser?" Her smile quickly disappeared. Ser Lloyd had caught her not two weeks ago trying to sneak into the Mage Quarter library, and had slapped her so hard her cheek was bruised for a week.

"Hmmm." Lloyd murmured. "Yes, perhaps I need to teach you a lesson that you will not so easily forget!" Ser Lloyd reached over and with two fingers touched her lips, slowing moving to her chin, and her neck. His other hand moved towards her breast. He pushed her roughly against the wall, and began kissing her. His hand was moving up the inside of her robe.

From his vantage point, Cullen could not see what was happening, but he had heard a thud and then Ashlyn's cries and an infuriated Cullen stepped out of the shadows.

"Ser Lloyd!" He bellowed "What in Andraste's name do you think you are doing! Get your hands off her!"

With lightening quick speed, Cullen lunged at Ser Lloyd and punched him in the stomach with great force. Lloyd staggered back, hitting the cold stone wall, and before he could respond, Cullen's fist was in his face. Lloyd crumpled to the floor on impact. Cullen kicked him in his privates, and Lloyd screamed in pain, doubled over, blood trickling from his nose.

"Get out!" Cullen said calmly, sword perilously close to Ser Lloyd's crotch. "Your service with the Templars is done. Your letter of resignation will be on the Knight Commander's desk in the morning."

Ser Lloyd looked up at Cullen, his face twisted in pain and anger. "Your whore is possessed and she has vexed me! " Lloyd sneered. Lloyd spit out the words, his outrage more than apparent.

"My what?" Cullen shook his head in disgust and with his boot ready to come down on his face he said "What did you call her?"

The sounds of the altercation aroused the attention of the Templars on duty. A small crowd gathered. The sound of boots echoed in the hall.

"Ser Cullen, what is going on here Ser?" Joseph said rather meekly, panting.

"Would you care to explain Ser Lloyd?" Cullen asked. Lloyd shook his head. "I did not think so. Remove this man from the Tower and then return to your posts all of you. Joseph, take Jowan back to his quarters and I will see you in my office in the morning"

Ashlyn was immobilized. She was not sure what to do. She just wanted to get away from there to run as far away as she could from the circle, from her gift and from the Templars.

Cullen turned to her.

"I, I am so sorry. Are you all right?" Cullen asked gently. He reached over and touched her arm. Ashlyn recoiled.

"Yes Ser, I am fine. Thank-you Ser" May I go now?" Cullen could see that she was trying to hold back her tears and that she was shaking ever so slightly. Despite that, her voice remained strong and steady.

"Y-Yes, of course. I will walk you back to the dormitory." Cullen smiled reassuringly.

"Here" Ashlyn said, handing over the honey cakes which were now mostly mush and crumbs.

Cullen burst into laughter. Ashlyn looked at him confused. "Ser?"

"I think you have earned those honey cakes!" Cullen replied with a wide grin. Ashlyn could not help but notice his dimples and the way his eyes crinkled with his smile. There was something in his words and in his smile that made her feel safe. Once again, Cullen had disarmed her.

"After that, I do not think I want them." Ashlyn replied, shaking her head.

Cullen escorted Ashlyn back to her dormitory. He dismissed Ser Lewis, the guard on duty. He turned to Ashlyn and with genuine concern in his voice, he said "I will watch over you this night Ashlyn. You will come to no harm. Try to rest."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: I Understand More Than You Know**

As Ashlyn was settling under her covers, Cullen took a seat on the chair beside her bed. The dorm was dark and quiet. A single candle was lit on her bed stand. Cullen could see that now that she had some time to collect herself, the events of the evening were beginning to sink in. They talked quietly.

"Look, Miss Ashlyn. This was not your fault." Cullen said

"I broke the rules… I went to the kitchen unaccompanied." Ashlyn replied flatly.

"Let me check my Templar rule book." Cullen said, flipping through an imaginary note book. "No – nothing in here about sneaking off to the kitchen to steal some cake…"

Having coaxed a smile from her Cullen continued.

"Ashlyn, nothing you did justified his actions." Cullen said those words with such conviction and anger, that Ashlyn believed them.

"You Templars hold such power over us. Had you not been there to stop him he would have … " She could not finish her sentence. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and Cullen's heart was aching.

"We are meant to protect, not abuse. He had a dark heart. He is gone now. " Cullen responded gently.

"Yes, I understand that but Ser Cullen, what if you had not been there? You heard him. He blamed me. He said I was possessed. And worse yet, what if I had used magic to defend myself ? Can you tell me that I would not have been made tranquil? "

Her bitterness and frustration was evident. She paused and took a deep breath before she continued.

"And if I were tranquil, he could have me whenever he wanted, couldn't he Cullen? I would not know, and I suppose I would not care." She shuddered involuntarily.

He took her hand in his. "I am so sorry Miss. " The anger and the pain in her voice resonated deeply within him.

"You don't understand." She cried softly.

"I understand more than you know Ashlyn. Please close your eyes now and rest. I will be watching you." He said, with a warm smile.

Ashlyn, remembering those words from first time they had met, smiled back. The sleeping draught she had been given was taking effect. As she drifted off to sleep she felt safe. Indeed, for the first time since she came to the Tower, she felt safe.

Cullen sat on the chair beside her bed and watched her sleep. She needed rest and time to process what had happened. Just as he had needed time. The incident brought back his own painful memories of his first years in the Chantry. He tried to push the memories aside, but he could not.

Cullen understood exactly what Ashlyn was feeling. He too had been a prisoner of sorts, subject to the whims of his caretakers; at least until he was old enough and strong enough to fight back. He remembered his own feelings of powerlessness and his feeling of rage against the sisters in that small isolated Chantry. He remembered their beatings and berating. They instilled fear in him and the other youngsters given to them for "safe-keeping". Fear, Cullen came to learn, is a powerful tool, for fear can inspire obedience. But fear can also inspire rebellion. When Cullen finally escaped at the age of 12 and found safety in the hands of a young Templar Knight, he vowed that he would protect others from the cruelty and depravity he had seen and experienced. It was then that he embraced the Maker and started his training as a Templar.

Ashlyn and the other Apprentices were not beaten or mistreated. But Cullen knew that was not enough - they were still prisoners, and ultimately they were powerless against and vulnerable to their captors. No one had cared about a missing boy from a Chantry. But a missing Mage would be hunted relentlessly. And that was where Cullen's experience and Ashlyn's were fundamentally different. There was a point in time when Cullen was old enough to run away in order to protect himself. Should life in the Tower ever become cruel and unbearable, Ashlyn could not escape .

And as he sat there watching this beautiful, spirited woman sleep, Cullen made another vow to himself. He vowed he would find a way to make it right. Even if it took a lifetime.

When Ashlyn awoke, she found that Cullen was still there. His head was bowed, and he was chanting softly, hands clasped as though in prayer. Feeling her gaze, he looked up, their eyes meeting. He reached over and gently pushed some of errant strains of silken hair away from her face. He rose up, smiled, bowed, and left without a word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: She Knows What Cannot Be Said.**

The next day marked what the Templars jokingly called Cullen's Inquisition. Every single Templar who served in the Apprentice Quarters was questioned in detail by Cullen. Every Templar's records were scrutinized. Cullen wanted to make sure that each of his men were men of honor, men who would do no harm.

Of course, the Knight-Commander had been called in to investigate, along with Irving, the Senior Enchanter. They were both satisfied with Cullen's actions and the measures he had taken. A Templar's duty was to protect others by monitoring Mages and dealing swiftly with any Mage who became possessed or who engaged in blood magic. Beyond that, Mages were to be treated with respect.

It did not take long for the rumors to start. Within hours, the story had made the rounds. Jowan protected Ashlyn as best he could, steering her away from groups of whispering Apprentices or Templars, shielding her from the stares. Maker bless Jowan!

Ashlyn had learned much about herself that night and in the days that followed. She had been a fool to be so cocky. She hadn't considered the hatred and fear that people had of Mages, nor had she ever contemplated how vulnerable a Mage could be, not to demons, but to ordinary people. Mages were very convenient scapegoats. Ashlyn had never given much thought to the future. She had some vague notion that one day she would go out in the world and see all the places she had read about, and that somehow she would use her talents to help others. But she realized now that those were just foolish dreams. She would never be anything more than a Mage locked in the Tower.

Despite Jowan's attempts to cheer her up, despite Cullen's care and kindness, she felt her spirit slip away, a little every day. It distressed Cullen to watch her simply go through the motions.

He entered Knight-Commander Greagoir's office and took a seat.

"Thank you for seeing me Ser." Cullen said.

"It is always good to see you Cullen. I wish I had more time for you, but running this Tower keeps me far too busy." He said laughing. " But, it is good to be busy - Idle hands, idle minds!"

"Ah, yes, the famous word of Sister Witch-Face. I remember." Cullen smiled.

"But, you are not here to reminisce about the days since I found you. So tell me, what is on your mind."

"That Apprentice, Miss Ashlyn. She is strong and she will become a powerful Mage. But after what happened , well, I believe she has come to recognize the truth of her life here and it is causing her spirit to slip away. She must be protected. " Cullen said, trying to maintain a neutral, matter-of-fact tone.

"Protected? Cullen, we protect all who are under our watch. You dealt with Lloyd. We cannot solve all the problems between Templars and Mages. I know you Cullen. That brilliant mind of yours is torturing you again. Fanciful ideas. Look, if she is as strong as you say, she will find her peace. Or, she will choose a dark path and she will be dealt with. End of story." Greagoir responded tersely.

"I know that Greagoir. But should she become bitter, angry, resentful ... she might turn to the worng path. What path might I have chosen if not for you?" Cullen watched Greagoir's face soften.

"You do know how to manipulate me don't you? Very well Cullen. I will arrange for her to see Irving. Watch her carefully Cullen. If she is as powerful as you say, she will be a formidable enemy. And watch yourself Cullen. I understand that she is very beautiful." He warned.

"Do not worry Greagoir. I would never cross that line. And thank-you." Cullen replied.

"_You already have Cullen – you just don't know it." _Greagoir muttered to himself as he watched Cullen leave.

Ashlyn had always been in awe of the Senior Enchanter and upon meeting him she was even more impressed . He seemed to be such a kind and wise man, and very much at peace with himself. She had been called to his office on the Senior Mages floor, the first time she had been there, at least officially. He welcomed her in and bade her to sit. It was a large spacious office, but very warm and inviting. The walls were decked with paintings and tapestries. She marveled at the volumes of books and scrolls that filled the many bookcases.

"So my child, you have had quite a nasty experience." He said gently.

"Yes." Was all she could muster.

"Child. Life in the Tower is not easy. Mages are vulnerable. There is something about our magical ability that invites hatred and fear. This you know. The Circle is both our prison and our salvation. "

"I understand First Enchanter. I – I was foolish." Ashlyn replied.

"You have spirit child, and a good heart. You are strong. No demon would dare to try to best you. This I can see. But you must keep your spirit alive. You cannot allow this incident to darken your heart or dampen your spirit. Promise me this child." Irving said kindly.

"I promise First Enchanter." Ashlyn replied.

"Without the Circle to teach us how to use our gift, and how to protect ourselves from demons, we would be lost. Without the Templars to watch over us and strike us down if need be, the harm we might do to others would be catastrophic. There is much room for abuse of power on both sides Child. We must always be vigilant. The way of our Circle may not be perfect, but it is all we have right now. Who knows what the future will bring."

"Yes First Enchanter." She said.

They talked for what felt like hours. He had inspired her and even sitting there listening, she could feel her spirit return. She stood to leave.

"Before you go child, tell me about Ser Cullen."

"Ser Cullen?" Ashlyn replied hoping her cheeks would not redden. "He is … strong."

"I see." said Irving. "That will be all"

Ashlyn left Irving's office feeling relieved, but confused. She wondered why he had asked about Cullen.

She vowed that she would keep her promise to the First Enchanter and she would not allow this incident to darken her. Cullen was pleased to see that soon she was back to her old self. Laughing and joking and lighting up the room with her smile. And he noticed that there was a new found strength in her – a different kind of confidence than there had been in her before. And for some reason that Cullen could not fathom, he felt very proud of her. Cullen had fallen in love. Of course, he denied it to himself, yet he found himself seeking Ashlyn out at every opportunity. And when he was not with her, not seeing her, he felt a sense of incompleteness that pained him. He simply told himself he was doing as the Knight Commander asked. He was keeping an eye on a talented Apprentice who could become either a powerful ally or a devastating enemy. He was doing it for the Order.

As the day of her Harrowing grew closer, Ashlyn spent more and more time in the library, studying late into the evening. More often than not, Cullen would be there, and she would left to his supervision. They would talk long into the night. Ashlyn would try to explain the process of her magic and Cullen would talk to her about the Chantry's teaching. They talked about the roles of Mages and Templars, arguing their diverse points of view , but always finding humor in their differences. Cullen, usually so private and guarded, would let slip bits and pieces of his past. Ashlyn began to see that Cullen own experiences were similar to hers. Like her, his path was chosen for him though circumstances over which he had no control. But he embraced his path, found joy in it. And instead of becoming angry and bitter and cruel, he became kind and passionate and just. Ashlyn was humbled by him. And although Cullen may have been denying his feelings, Ashlyn could no longer deny hers.

"Good-evening Ashlyn." Cullen got up and pulled a chair out for her. She looked so beautiful and happy, he could barely breathe.

"What are you working on tonight Cullen?" Ashlyn replied. Somehow Miss and Ser had become Ashlyn and Cullen.

" I am still trying to figure out how the first Templar Order was established. There seems to be a lot of contradictory evidence. It is like a jigsaw puzzle – but several key pieces missing. It is very frustrating." He smiled at her. "But I have some leads. Next time I am in Denerim, I know exactly which scholar to see."

She loved to see the excitement in his eyes as he tried to unravel the mysteries of the past. She could listen to him all night long. And those dimples drove her crazy. She loved the fact that when they were together, the reticent, serious Templar , was transformed into a light hearted, joyful man.

"Cullen." She said, with a seriousness in her voice that caught his attention. "I never thanked you, for saving me that night And I know it was you who arranged for me to see the First Enchanter."

"Ash- I- I " Cullen sputtered.

"My Harrowing will be soon. I have asked that you be the one. I trust no one else Cullen. I don't know what will happen. But I wanted you to know …" She took his hands into hers and absently began to play with his fingers. "that you have given me hope and faith and I think you have made me a better person." She hung her head, embarrassed by her own words, but knowing that they needed to be said.

Cullen was silent. Ashlyn began to disengage her hand from his, but he gently took it back and would not let it go. With his other hand he caressed her face and lifted her chin up to meet his eyes. He gazed at her, searching her face, her eyes. Ashlyn's heart was pounding so loud she was sure he could hear it. She saw such intense sadness in his eyes that she thought her pounding heart would break.

"Ashlyn. It is I who should thank-you. You have brought such light to my life. I, we …" He wanted to say so much more. He wanted to kiss her. It took every ounce of the self-discipline he had mastered through his years of intense training not to take her in his arms. How he ached to hold her, to kiss her. He gently brushed her cheek with his hand. And with the rush of emotions, Cullen could no longer deny his feelings. Ashlyn smiled and nodded

"_She knows, "_ he thought. _" she knows what cannot be said."_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: She Has Passed**

Ashlyn had questioned herself a thousand times. Why had she fallen so deeply in love with this man? He had gotten under her skin from the first day they met. He could be smug, annoying, arrogant and much too smart for his own good. And Maker's sake he was a Templar, and a devout one at that! But Cullen was kind and strong and passionate. He made her feel safe and happy, and most importantly, he made her feel valued. No one had ever made her feel that way. And his touch, his tender touches made her knees weak.

It did not matter why. It was not something that would ever be actualized. And she knew she had to stop feeling for him. She tried to tell herself that it was enough to know that she could be loved. She allowed herself to revel in that joy. Tomorrow she would, Maker willing, become a Mage. She would be leaving the Apprentice Quarters, and leaving Cullen. And she prayed that Cullen did not feel as strongly about her as she did about him. For she did not wish him to feel the pain she was feeling. The pain of having to say good-bye. She prayed that he would find someone truly worthy - someone who would care for him and love him as desperately as she wanted to, and as he so deserved.

Cullen paced back and forth in his room. So many emotions flooding through him. The joy of being in love – knowing his love was returned. The excruciating pain of knowing that their love would never be, and knowing they would be parted. And the sickening fear and worry that he would have to strike her down should something go wrong in the fade. Finally, it was time.

Cullen, Irving and Greagoir stood in the Harrowing Chamber. It was a large, circular room, bare and cold. Irving and Greagoir spoke the traditional words and instructed Ashlyn on what she must do. As she approached the lyrium vessel, she looked at Cullen and was strengthened by his warm smile. As she floated off into the Fade she could see his dimples appear, his eyes crinkle, and she smiled.

She lay on the floor unmoving. Fear was rising in Cullen. Suddenly she began twitching and thrashing wildly. _"Please Maker, keep her safe and strong."_ Cullen prayed silently. The look of terror was evident on his face. It was all Cullen could do to stop himself from going to her. As though Irving could read his thoughts, he shot Cullen a warning glare. Studying Cullen's body language, the anguish on his face, it was clear to Irving at that moment that this was not the ordinary concern one might expect that a Templar would have for one of his charges. Cullen was in love with Ashlyn. Irving glanced at Greagoir. He, thankfully, was oblivious.

Her eyes began to flutter and slowly she appeared to be waking. Irving directed Cullen to her side for fear of what she might say if she did not see him as soon as she regained her mind.

"Take her to her dorm." Irving said to Cullen."She has passed."

Gingerly, tenderly, Cullen lifted her from the floor. Irving began talking with Greagoir as if to keep him distracted. Ashlyn opened her eyes and looking up at him she whispered "Cullen." She smiled and closed her eyes, drifting off into a deep and peaceful sleep. Cullen said another silent prayer, this time, once of thanks to the Maker.

He carried her down all four flights of stairs, and into her dorm. It was empty. He laid her down on her bed, and brushed away some of the silky locks of hair that had fallen over her eyes. He glanced up furtively to see if they were still alone. He kissed her forehead and whispered that he loved her. It was the first time he had said those words – but it was safe, neither she nor anyone else could hear them.

The heavy burden of worry had been lifted from Cullen. He shuddered at the thought that he might have had to kill her. He wondered if he could have. He was so proud of her and so relieved. With light steps and a big grin on his face, he rounded the corner, hoping to return to his office, when two young female apprentices flagged him down, inquiring about Ashlyn's status.

"_It was the quickest, cleanest Harrowing I have ever seen."_ Cullen said proudly. "_She is very talented you know, and very brave." _The two women looked at one another, eyes wide. They giggled. Cullen had surely given his feelings away, but at that moment, he did not care.

Ashlyn awoke. There stood Jowan. She loved Jowan dearly. He was a friend. But his high pitched nattering was irritating her. He was begging for information, and asking her for details of her Harrowing that she had no right to share. It made her angry. Jowan ranted on about his fears of being made tranquil, and while Ashlyn was sympathetic she had little patience for his whining at that moment.

Jowan helped off her bed and reminded her she was to see Irving. As she left the dorm she heard Ella and Mona whispering something about her Harrowing and about Cullen. She glanced at them, smiled, and quickly left the room to the sound of their giggles.

"He's in love with you, you know." one of them called out as she was leaving. Ashlyn just smiled to herself and kept walking.

She walked into Irving's room and was surprised to see a rather tall and austere but ruggedly handsome man standing there with Irving and Greagoir. He was Duncan of the Grey Wardens she soon learned, here to find mages to help fight the blight. Greagoir and Irving were arguing as usual. Scowling, Greagoir left.

After Irving congratulated her and bestowed upon her new robes and a ring of magic, she was introduced to Duncan. She had heard about Grey Wardens and the blight of course, but Duncan's presence here made it seem more real. As she escorted Duncan back to his rooms, she began to pepper him with questions about the Wardens, A wisp of an idea had started to formulate in her mind and began to take hold, the more she talked with Duncan. What if she could join the Grey Wardens? It would be a way to leave the Tower and bring peace to Cullen. He could forget her far more easily if she were gone. Duncan patiently and politely answered all her questions. She thanked him and left his room.

As she entered the hall, trying to figure out where her new room would be, Jowan was standing there motioning to her, a look of worry and desolation upon his face.

"Meet me in Chapel." Jowan whispered. Reluctantly, she followed him.

The irony of what transpired next was not lost on Ashlyn. Jowan had told her about a woman that he had fallen in love with, but Ashlyn had no idea it was with a Chantry sister and that it had gone this far. Jowan and Lily told her of their plan to run away together and begged her for her help. Ashlyn was torn. Her heart understood exactly why they wanted to run away together, but her head told her it was the wrong thing to do.

"Jowan, Lily. Listen to me. If you run away you will be hunted. What kind of life would that be? You will come to hate one another. Is that what you want?" She pleaded with them.

"That would never happen." replied Jowan angrily. And besides, even if it did, a few months of love and happiness is better than a lifetime of tranquility."

"Jowan – you don't know for sure that is what they intend for you. " Ashlyn said.

"Yes, he does." said Lily. I have seen the documents signed by Irving and Greagoir. I will not stand by and see them do that to him".

Ashlyn was stunned.

"Ash – of all people you should understand. You and Cullen."

"Do not go there Jowan. You know nothing of Cullen and me. " She replied angrily. "I need to think."

As she left them in the Chapel to seek some place to reflect, the full weight of what Jowan and Lily were asking her do struck her. She was both angry and deeply saddened.

"_I love Jowan,"_ she thought to herself. "_but I am not yet one day a full mage. How can they ask me to jeopardize everything? How could I betray Irving and every other mage who has stayed within the circle often at great personal cost? "_

Ashlyn knew that she could not risk disgracing herself and disappointing Irving, never mind devastating Cullen, to help Jowan do what she had so reluctantly and painfully chosen not to do. She had tried to convince them of the senselessness of what they had planned, but they were resolute. With a heavy heart filled with doubt and misgiving, she went to seek Irving. Jowan had chosen to cross a line, she would help him cross back. She could not let Jowan become tranquil. She would convince Irving to help.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: I Have Found My Joy and Happiness**

She knocked on the door of Irving's office, and he bade her in.

"Ah, Ashlyn. I trust you took care of Duncan?" Irving asked.

"Yes, He is a most interesting man. I had not realized that things were so dire in Fereldon." Ashlyn said. "He is looking for Mages to fight along with King Cailan. He will need strong healers, First Enchanter."

"And no doubt you would like to be one of them. We shall see about that Ashlyn." Irving replied. "But that is not why you are here child."

She had to tell Irving about Jowan. "No. That's not why I am here." She said, head hanging.

There was a reason that Irving was First Enchanter. No sooner had she started to blurt out her story, Irving hushed her. He seemed quite aware of most that had transpired between Jowan and Lily and that they planned to leave the Tower.

"I can see how telling me this has not been easy for you. And while you may feel you are betraying a friend, you have little choice." he said.

"Is it true then? The Templars plan to make Jowan tranquil? How could they?" Ashlyn cried.

"It is the Circle that plans to make Jowan tranquil – Yes. It was a difficult decision but a necessary one." Irving replied sternly.

"I know that you care for Jowan – he has been a good friend to you. And while he may have many fine qualities, Jowan is weak with magic. He would not make it through his Harrowing."

"I can help him. I will practice with him, teach him. Make him stronger!" Ashlyn cried.

"You cannot child. A mage is born with only so much potential no matter how much training. We have tried everything at our disposal to help him. He has already used blood magic to try to strengthen his abilities.

"Blood magic?" Her head was spinning. "Blood Magic! How could that be?" Ashlyn feel silent.

"He cannot control his desires or his magic. He would be possessed easily in the fade. We would have to kill him for he would become an abomination. Child, of this I am most certain." Irving responded sadly.

What should have been a day of celebration had become the worst day of her life. Jowan had betrayed her. He had betrayed all his fellow mages. How could she have not known of this? Why hadn't she been a better friend! Ashlyn was heartsick.

As though reading her thoughts Irving said. "Ashlyn. This is Jowan's doing. That he turned to blood magic and that he could not control his desire for Lily it only proves his weakness. Blood magic is powerful and dangerous. I would not even trust myself with its use. But Jowan is not the only one that must be held to account. Lily too bears responsibility."

Irving explained to her what was to be done. He also explained that she would be putting herself at some risk, as Irving could not predict what Greagoir's reaction would be. "You may find that your time in the Tower will come to an end very abruptly. Perhaps you wish to say good-bye to Cullen."

She stared at him, stunned.

"I may be old child, but I am not blind! Now go."

Ashlyn knew what she needed to do. She needed to find Cullen. She needed to say good-bye.

Cullen was standing a little further down the hall, between Irving's room and the Chapel.

"_Hello Cullen"_ she said trying to muster up some cheeriness in her voice.

"_Ah, ah Hello. I.. I am glad your Harrowing went well."_ Cullen said anxiously. There were people about. They exchanged a few formal words and then Ashlyn said softly _"I'd really like to see you in private… it's urgent_."

She walked away and entered a small room just down the corridor. Cullen looked up and down the Hall and when the coast was clear, followed her.

"I am so happy for you Ash." he said

"Thank you for being there Cullen. It meant so much." She smiled weakly. Cullen could tell something was wrong.

"Ashlyn? " He questioned. And then she told him what had just transpired, and what she needed to do.

"Ashlyn, I am sorry. He is your friend." Cullen was distraught – not only in sympathy for how hard this must be for Ashlyn – the pain it was causing her, but because Jowan had somehow dabbled in Blood Magic on his watch. "This is my fault. I should have watched more closely."

"Neither Mages nor Templar's can read what is in a man's heart I suppose. Not even I knew Cullen, and I was closest to him. You cannot blame yourself. It was Jowan's choice and his fault. His and Lily's."

They were silent for awhile, lost in thought.

"There is more, isn't there? Cullen said.

"You know me well. I met a Grey Warden today. Duncan." Ashlyn said. "The Warden's are looking for Mages to help battle the Blight."

He smiled. "You're leaving aren't you?"

"Yes." she said simply. "I needed to say good-bye to you Cullen." Tears began to flow, and the hurt was almost palpable.

Cullen simply stared. His eyes darkened. She could see Cullen's mouth and jaw tighten and tremble. His eyes held such intense pain that Ashlyn could barely look at him. There was no sense in pretending anymore. At last they could speak the words. It no longer mattered.

They looked at each other for a few seconds, and then Ashlyn rushed to him and to throw her arms around him to kiss him. His arms held her tightly. His lips felt warm and wet and so tender. They kissed slowly and deeply. They slowly parted, lips still close, breathing in together, still embraced. Ashlyn's heart ached.

"Cullen. I love you."

"And I love you Ashlyn. More than I can say."

"But there is no place for us, is there?"

"No. There is no place for a Mage and a Templar." He shook his head sadly. "Not here, not yet."

"I pray that you find joy and happiness in your life. Cullen, you have my heart. "

Cullen smiled. "Ashlyn. I have found my joy and happiness. I need not look any further." Then, with his voice hoarse with emotion he said. "You have given me your heart. Know that you have mine, always."

They kissed again, softly, tenderly. He held her, stroking her beautiful hair, her head neatly tucked under his chin. He held her for as long as he could. As they parted, he took her hand and opened it. There he placed his sacred Templar amulet. He gently closed her fingers around the amulet. He turned around and walked away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: **_**I Will Stay Strong**_

It had been several months since her rather rapid departure from the Tower. Ashlyn had played her part just as Irving had asked. She had not expected to be conscripted into the Grey Wardens quite so quickly. Mostly, what she remembered of that day was Cullen's kiss – his taste, his smell, and the sadness in his eyes that belied his warm smile.

Life as a Grey Warden was hard at the best of times. But the Blight had taken a terrible toll on the Wardens. Ostagar had been horrific. The Blight was real, and its devastation beyond description. She was free, but free in a world on fire. Some days, the irony was almost too much to near. Cut she had Cullen's amulet around her neck, and that gave her strength.

Alistair and Ashlyn were the only remaining Grey Wardens in Fereldon and it fell to them to somehow find a way to defeat it. They had been joined by a rag tag group of comrades, but it was Alistair in whom Ashlyn had the most faith and trust. They became fast friends. Alistair was strong, skilled, kind, and so much wiser than she, although he would never give credit to himself. And he was funny. He made her laugh even in the darkest of times, and she loved him for that.

Nearing Lake Calenhad, Ashlyn could see the Tower in the distance. She was excited to return home, excited to see her friends, and very nervous about seeing Cullen. They decided to splurge and have a home cooked dinner and some ale at The Spoiled Princess. They had all had their fill of campfire stews. Even Morrigan and Sten joined them. After a hearty meal, Leliana and the others retired for the evening.

Ashlyn and Alistair remained seated at their table talking into the night amid the noise of laughter, music and conversation.

"Whatever are you doing Ash?" Alistair said. "Ever since I first met you have been tugging and fingering that chain around your neck as though it were Andraste's own holy relic. And tonight, I don't think you have stopped touching save to eat or drink!" Alistair said.

"It's personal Alistair." Ashlyn replied.

"Personal? Maker's Breath Ashlyn! Are we not beyond personal? I have seen you naked for Andraste's sake! And didn't you vomit on me just last week after eating too much of Leliana's mystery stew? Now that was personal. I don't think we could get more personal. Well, we could you know – I am more than willing." Alistair said grinning.

"Thanks Ali. I do love you, but I will pass on the sex part. You have such a wonderful way of describing our relationship!"

Alistair smiled. "I don't want to pry Ash. But that amulet obviously means a lot to you. If anything were to happen…"

She pulled the amulet out of her vest. Alistair recognized it right away.

"That is a Templar's cross!" Alistair drew in a sharp breath. "Ashlyn, that amulet is a Templar's most prized and holy possession! What an odd thing for you, of all people, to be wearing!" The words tumbled out of Alistair's mouth.

"It was given to me freely Alistair" she said softly.

"Oh. I see." Alistair looked at Ashlyn, reading her face. "You are in love aren't you? With a Templar! Oh shit Ashlyn." Alistair laughed.

"It is not funny, Alistair!" Ashlyn said.

"Perhaps not. But it is just so - so - you! You are crazy! But I suppose I would have you no other way - that is why I love you." Alistair said, still smiling.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes, and shaking her head she sighed. "Yes, I guess I am just a little bit crazy!"

"You make nothing easy on yourself, do you?" His tone was serious and voice full of compassion.

"I suppose not." she sighed. "Well now you know Alistair.

"Do you miss him?" Alistair asked.

"I do, but he is with me, in spirit anyway." She said as she fingered the amulet. "He is a Templar Alistair, and I am a Mage. We could never have a real relationship. It is best this way." There was sadness and regret in her voice.

They got up to leave. "Come here." Alistair said. He folded his strong arms around her and gave her a big hug and planted a sweet kiss on top of her head. "It will be fine Ash."

When they finally reached the walls of the Tower, hoping to convince Irving to honor the Grey Warden treaty, Alistair understood Ashlyn's anxiety. She was desperately hoping she would see Cullen, but dreading it at the same time. _"He has probably forgotten all about me by now."_ she thought grimly. But Cullen had not forgotten. He thought about her every day, and prayed she was safe.

In the weeks and months since her departure, something had changed in the Tower. It was as though the evil of the Blight had penetrated the graying Tower walls and seeped into the hearts and minds of some of the more discontented Mages. Perhaps the veil had become too thin. Perhaps the Mages thought to use the horrors of the Blight to escape their prison. Some of the Mages had turned to Blood Magic. And although Irving and Greagoir tried their best to contain the evil that had invaded the Tower, they could not. The Mage Uldred had unleashed something terrible within the Tower, and there was death everywhere. Greagoir felt he had no choice but the lock the Tower doors and call for the Rite of Annulment.

When Ashlyn heard from Greagoir what had happened, she panicked. _"Where was Cullen?"_

_S_he screamed silently to herself. _"Dear Maker, please let him be safe"_.

Greagoir reluctantly allowed them to enter, and they too were locked inside. As they made their way through the Apprentice Quarters Ashlyn was devastated by what she saw. Alistair could see her utter despair and gently grabbed her arm for fear she would faint.

"We will defeat the demons and the abominations, Ashlyn. And we will find Cullen." Alistair calmly and firmly whispered to her.

Joined by Wynne, one of the senior Mages from the Circle, they fought. Floor by floor. The death, the stench, the Templars possessed, the lifeless bodies of Mages … it all sickened her. The dead faces of Mages she had come to love, and the Templars that she had come to know soon started to merge together and blur her vision.

Meticulously she checked every body of every Templar she found, praying to the Maker that it would not be Cullen's. Several times Wynne held her hair and braced her back as she wretched – her insides screaming in pain. With spells, swords, and arrows felling everything in their way, they made their way to the Harrowing Chamber. Alistair opened the door to the small hallway leading to the Chamber. A sharp intake of breath followed by the muffled sounds of a silent scream escaped Ashlyn's lips. There was Cullen, caged somehow in a shaft of unholy light. He was on his knees praying. Ashlyn thought her heart would burst with the pain she felt in her chest.

As she came into his view Cullen was yelling.

"_This trick again? I know what you are. I will stay strong"_

"_Cullen" Ashlyn said. "Don't you know me?"_

"_Only too well." The words coming from his lips were angry and bitter. "How far they must have delved into my thoughts"_

"_I'm here to help." Ashlyn cried._

_I'll not listen to anything you say. Now begone! Still here? But that's always worked before. I close my eyes, but you are still here when I open them_." Cullen screamed. _"The Maker knows my sin, and I pray that he will forgive me. It was the foolish fancy of a naive boy. I know better now!"_

"_The boy is exhausted." Said Wynne_

"_Enough visions. If there is anything in you that is human then kill me now" He was begging, crying._

_Leliana recognized the signs. "He is delirious. He has been tortured." She said. _

_Cullen continued: "Sifting through my thoughts, tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have. Using my shame against me, using my ill-advised infatuation with her. I am so tired of these cruel jokes these tricks… these…"_

Ashlyn was sickened. The demons had used her, her image, their love, to tempt him and then to break him. Somehow he had stayed strong. But she knew this event would scar him forever, and change any memory he had of her into a painful nightmare. Ashlyn could not remember much of what was said after that. Cullen's words cut her to the core. She was his sin, shame, she was his ill-advised infatuation. She touched his amulet.

Somehow she pushed her anguish aside. She heard a buzzing sound in her head, and as if in a dream she could hear Alistair say something about Cullen's hatred of mages being intense, the deaths of his friends still fresh in his mind. Wynne was talking about Cullen having suffered pain and anguish that few could have endured. And she could hear the disgust and loathing in Cullen's voice as he exhorted them to kill all the mages. Her stomach clenched so tightly she feared she would vomit again. What happened after that was a blur. All she knew was that Uldred was dead and that Cullen was alive. It was over.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: How Will They Heal?**

Alistair and Ashlyn found a quiet place to sit near the makeshift infirmary on the first floor of the Tower. Cullen had been taken to a small private room nearby. Several days had passed since they had found Cullen. Ashlyn was grieving the loss of so many of her friends, and trying to make sense of what happened. Cullen moved in and out of consciousness. Ashlyn refused to see him, allowing Wynne to tend to his healing.

Ashlyn was weeping inconsolably and Alistair was holding her, whispering to her.

"It's all right Ashlyn." He said gently. He didn't mean any of it. He was not in his right mind. It was the demon speaking not Cullen. Maker's sake, he had been tortured for weeks." Alistair continued. "Go to him – he needs you."

Ashlyn shook her head. "He hates me Alistair. I cannot face him."

"Go – you will not forgive yourself if you do not at least make sure he is all right. And…" he said with his impish grin, "I will never hear the end of it if I let you leave here without you saying goodbye. So go – even if just for my sake."

He wiped her tear stained face as best he could. She smiled at him weakly, stood up and entered Cullen's room. Cullen was on the bed. His eyes were open but they were wide and vacant. His breathing was weak and shallow, and far too rapid for comfort. He was twitching. She took his hand in hers, absently playing with his fingers. And, as though he could sense her presence, Cullen's eyes closed and his breathing slowed.

His bedclothes were soaked with sweat. She dipped her scarf warm water wash stand, and managed to unbutton his shirt so as to cool down his burning skin. It was then that she saw the some of the terrible scars that marked his chest. Beatings from his childhood! Ashlyn wept.

"_Maker, why would you do this to him? Has he not been through enough?" _

She cast a healing spell, and knelt down beside his bed and taking his hand in hers, she waited. At last his eyes opened.

"Cullen." She whispered. "I am so sorry."

He smiled and closed his eyes.

_The vision of the desire demon danced in his head. Ashlyn was naked. She was dancing luridly in front of him. She was begging him. Her words were coarse and lewd. She was tempting him, touching him. He wanted her, wanted to please her, to satisfy her, to satisfy himself. But he knew if he succumbed, he would be lost. He would close his eyes and remember her words, and he would know that this was not Ashlyn. She would never ask this of him. She would not tempt him. And that knowledge kept him sane._

Exhausted, and still kneeling, she laid her head on her arms on top of the bed and eventually, she too, fell asleep.

When Cullen's eyes finally opened he found himself staring into a soft mass of silky auburn hair. He could feel her warm breath near his chest. He stroked her hair and caressed her arm. Feeling a sense of peace, he closed his eyes and drifted back off into a deep sleep.

It was dawn when Ashlyn awoke. Cullen was sleeping peacefully. Physically, she knew Cullen would recover fully. But emotionally, Ashlyn was not so sure. She could not be there to help him heal, and she was not sure that her help would be welcomed. She left her scarf it on his nightstand to let him know, for whatever it was worth to him, that she had been there. It was all she had. As she turned to leave, she said "I will be watching you."

She needed to find Greagoir. Her was sitting alone in the gardens outside of the tower. He looked tired and weary.

"Greagoir" Ashlyn said as she sat down beside him. "He is over the worst of it. He has not been lost."

"I know Grey Warden. I know what was done to him. He was able to tell me some of what happened to him, his lucid moments."

She paused, trying to compose herself. The Greagoir most know they had fallen in love.

"You need not worry Greagoir" Her voice became angry and bitter."He did not break his vows. He is too strong, too honorable. I hope you know that."

"I do" Greagoir said quietly.

They sat in silence, wind gently blowing. Greagoir turned his face to the sun and closed his eyes.

"What will happen now? Ashlyn asked.

"We will start again." We will clean up the devastation. Be thankful you are no longer part of the Circle. Life will be cruel indeed for the Mages that remain. We will give no quarter, Grey Warden, and there will be no mercy. We cannot risk it."

His words sent a chill up her spine. Worse yet, after seeing what the Maleficarum had done in the Tower, after seeing the demons and abominations in the Fade she understood.

"How will they heal? How will Cull…" She stopped.

"Cullen has recovered from what was done to him as a child. He is a strong. But I do not know how he will recover from this. Time? Distance?" Greagoir said. Ashlyn was touched by his uncharacteristic compassion.

Greagoir sighed deeply. "Do you know his story Grey Warden? I found him on the road to Redcliffe. He was bloody and bruised. A Templar had assaulted him in a most unholy way, while he was at that accursed Chantry. No one would believe him; no one would help. So he ran. Save for his time with his family, he had known no love in his life, just cruelty. And yet, despite what was done to him he trusted. He trusted in me and in the Maker. I believe Grey Warden, that he trusted in you."

Ashlyn held back her tears and waited for him to continue.

"If the workings of the demon that held him has destroyed that trust, well, it may be more than he can bear."

Her heart sank, for that is exactly what she feared. "What can I do?" She whispered.

For a long time Greagoir did not answer.

"You must continue to love him. I suppose that is all you can do."

Ashlyn smiled sadly. _"If only it were that simple."_ She thought.

"You care for him deeply." Ashlyn said. "I am glad he has you. Watch over him Greagoir and tell him, tell him, tell him …."

"I will Grey Warden." he said "Words cannot express my thanks for all you have done for the Tower and for Cullen. Maker bless you."

As she walked away she let the tears flow. Reaching the gates of the Tower, she saw Alistair waiting for her. "It is time to go Ashlyn." he said.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Justice, Not Blind Vengeance**

In the days that followed Ashlyn's departure, Cullen began to remember. Bits and pieces of the nightmare at first, and then the full horror of what he had seen and felt filled his mind and heart with grief and fear. Greagoir came to see him often, providing words of encouragement. Frederick and Lewis visited too. Thankfully they had survived. Even the Grand Cleric of Fereldon came to see him to offer her prayers to him.

Cullen passed his days in his small room, reading religious texts, hoping to find strength in their words. He felt mostly dead inside, except when he was angry. It was a sweet release to imagine himself cutting down faceless Mages, watching with grim satisfaction as their lives drained away before him. And then he would see her face - her glorious hair, her beautiful eyes and a smile that made his heart sing - and he would feel sick with self-loathing and disgust. How can I hate Mages and not hate her. Despite everything, somehow, there remained a little flicker of hope in his soul that tickled his mind now and again.

A few days before he planned to take up his sword again, Irving came to visit. Upon seeing him, Cullen felt a rage boiling up inside him. He forced the feeling down. He would have to face the Mages sooner or later. What if this had been Ashlyn, would he feel the same way?

"Come in." Cullen said, the terseness in his voice was heard loudly and clearly by Irving.

Irving found a seat near the small hearth. He was impressed by the number of books he saw.

"You are well read. Perhaps you would allow me to borrow a book some time?" Irving said.

"Perhaps." Cullen said coldly feeling his anger rise..

"Sometimes knowing what is to come helps." Irving began. "There will be nightmares I am afraid. You must try to guard against the fatigue and poor judgment that comes with sleep deprivation." Irving smiled warmly, and then continued. "There will be bouts of depression, tears may flow unbidden. Tears will wash your soul. It is not weakness. Do not be afraid to be weak when you need to be, Cullen. Accepting your vulnerabilities will make you strong – maybe even stronger than before."

Cullen listened. Irving's tone was soft and soothing. The truth of his words resonated and he felt his anger beginning to recede.

"And there will be rage. Suddenly you will feel overcome by murderous rage, mostly against Mages. Anger and hatred are like hot coals. If you hold on to them too long, they will burn your soul. Do you have an anchor?" Irving asked.

"An anchor? " Cullen was perplexed.

"Yes, an anchor. A memory or a token perhaps? Something that brings a good feeling with it."

" Yes." Cullen said touching her scarf. "I believe I do."

"Then hold onto that anchor. It can be a life line." Irving fell silent.

"Well, I am sure you have had enough of my pontificating. I am truly sorry for what has happened. I only hope that you will heal quickly and that you will be guided by justice and not blind vengeance."

Cullen was getting stronger, but just as Irving had predicted, the nightmares continued. He often found himself alternating between feelings of rage and feelings of profound sadness. He tired easily, and wondered if he would ever recover. He would not empower the demons that had tried to possess him by allowing them to control his life and his actions, by becoming as murderous as they. But he could not allow what had happen to him, to his brethren, to ever happen again.

It was the night before he was to start back on regular duty. Greagoir joined him for a late supper in his quarters. Cullen did his best to assure Greagoir he was ready.

"The Grand Cleric left something for you." He said. "She thought it may help you to read some of the Sermons of Justinia I. " He handed Cullen a small scroll.

"_For she has said to us, "Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him." Therefore, I say to you, they who work magic which dominates the minds and hearts of others, they have transgressed the Makers law. Also, Our Lady said to us, "Those who bring harm without provocation to the least of His children are hated and accursed by the Maker." And so it is made clear to me, as it should be to us all: That magic which fuels itself by harming others, by the letting of blood, is hated by the Maker__**. But, those mages who honor the Maker and keep his laws we welcome as our brothers and sisters."**_

"I will try to keep these words in my mind." Cullen said.

"I want you to know that I am proud of you, and I only wish it had been me, not you to suffer so."

"Thank-you Greagoir. I will do my best not to disappoint you. I owe you so much." Cullen said.

They sat in silence, only the crackling of flames licking the logs in the hearth could be heard. Finally Greagoir spoke.

" I spoke with the Warden Ashlyn. She loves you deeply Cullen. What will you do?"

Cullen hung his head. "I want you to know that I never…"

"I know Cullen. But it is different now. She is no longer a Circle Mage. She is a Grey Warden." Greagoir said.

"It does not matter. She is still a Mage. I do not think she can forgive me for what I have said, and I do not know if I can do my duty and still look her in the eye." Cullen replied.

"She honors the Maker and keeps his laws, Cullen. I hope you will do the same.

xxx

When Cullen returned to duty, he tried to avoid the Mages as much as possible. When he was overcome with feelings he did not think he could control, he busied himself in his office with administrative tasks. He had tied Ashlyn's scarf around his wrist, and drew comfort from the feel of the cloth on his skin. The Apprentice Quarters had been cleaned up, scrubbed and sterilized. But the upper floors were still wearing the remnants of the horror. He forced himself to spend a few minutes every day on the upper floors. He needed to come to terms with what happened.

The Mages withstood the intense scrutiny of the Templars with little complaint. The looks of hatred on the faces of the Templars inspired fear in the Mages. The Templars watched closely for signs of possession- signs of rebellion. One Mage was made tranquil despite Irving's protest and Cullen himself brought his sword to another. He forced himself to do it. There was doubt in Cullen's mind about the guilt or innocence of the Mage, but not enough to stay his hand, not after what happened.

He thought of Ashlyn often and prayed she was safe. He wanted desperately to see her, to thank her, and to tell her he was sorry. He wanted to hold her. He remembered the words he had said to her. Words he felt sure she could never forgive. He wasn't even sure who had said them. Was it him or was it the demon? He shuddered. It didn't matter. She was a Grey Warden now and Cullen doubted he would ever see her again.

The nightmares continued. The desire demon would visit him. Obscene images of Ashlyn tortured him. And Cullen became afraid.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: ****I will slit your throat myself**

The Wardens and their companions made their way to Redcliffe to solidify the support that Alistair was certain Arl Eamon would give. Ashlyn did her best to keep her chin up, but Alistair could see she was hurting. He listened as she grieved the loss of her friends and the loss of Cullen's love. He listened as she vented her anger at Uldred and his minions, and as she expressed her fears and worries about Cullen's ability to heal and about the Templars abilities to control the hatred they must now have of the Circle Mages. She was in pain and in turmoil, and Alistair felt helpless to help her.

"I know the challenges between Mages and Templars seem insurmountable and the Blight is not helping matters. Have faith Ash. All we can do right now is continue the fight and pray to the Maker that we survive to somehow put things right. " He said. And then with a warm smile, he added, "And who knows – maybe you and Cullen will find a way to mend. Wouldn't it be something - a Templar and Mage together! Perhaps there is hope for us after all."

They reached Redcliffe in good time. As they were about to cross the bridge into the town, Alistair reached out and grabbed Ashlyn's shoulder.

"Wait." He said. "I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago."

"_What's on your mind Alistair?"_

And he told her.

" _Oh Great! So you are not only a bastard – you're a royal bastard!" _Ashlyn quipped_._

"That's a good one Ash. I must remember to use it sometime." Alistair said. "Look, I know I should have told you earlier, but I don't know – _how do you tell someone something like that_?"

"Well, my Prince, I hope this doesn't mean I actually have to listen to you – you know do as you command?"

"Perish the thought!" Alistair said looking relieved that Ash was finding humor in the situation.

"You know Alistair, I think you would make a fine King. One that I would be very proud to serve." Alistair was genuinely touched by her sincerity.

"Yes, well…" he cleared his throat. "Thank you kindly, but believe me, the last thing I want is to be King. Let's just hope Eamon is fine and I won't have to worry about it! Let's go."

What transpired in Redcliffe was as horrifying as everything else they had seen – including Ostagar and the Tower. Undead creatures had somehow been released and had been attacking and killing the townspeople. With their help, the Knights of Redcliffe and the brave townsfolk were able to secure Redcliffe. But they still needed to find out what had happened to Eamon. It was time to enter the Castle. She worried for Alistair. She prayed that Eamon was still alive, for Alistair had lost so much already.

They entered the Castle through a secret entrance that Teagan showed them. It lead them to the basement prison. There, they fought more of the undead creatures. And there, Ashlyn found Jowan. Nothing could have prepared Ashlyn for the shock of him locked in a cell. She didn't know whether to kiss him or to kill him. When he told her that it was he who poisoned Eamon at Loghaine's request she felt heartsick. Given the circumstances with the Arl's son she enlisted his help. _"I will deal with Jowan later – let him prove his worth!"_ she thought grimly.

Out of deference to and love for Alistair, Ashlyn reluctantly agreed to a plan that might see both Isolde and her son Conner saved. It meant that she would need to return to the Tower, a journey she was not sure she was ready to undertake. It had been some time since she had been to the Tower, and while she ached to see Cullen, she was afraid of what she might find there.

Cullen once told her that he believed anger was just another expression of fear. Perhaps it was her fear of going back to the Tower that precipitated her rage at Isolde, but she could not stop herself from confronting her.

"Before I leave to try to undo what you have done here, let it be known that as far as I concerned, you ought to be swinging from the end of a rope." Ashlyn said to Isolde, with icy cold hatred in her eyes. "Your vanity, pride, ignorance and stupidity have cost the lives of many innocents, and may very well cost you the life of your child and your husband."

As Isolde began to protest Ashlyn raised her hand and slapped Isolde across the face with such force, that Isolde tumbled backwards and fell to the ground. "That my dear Lady is for abandoning the son of King Cailan to a life of harshness and cruelty." As she turned to walk away, Ashlyn said: "Maker help you if you should ever try again to blame what you have done on a Mage. I will slit your throat myself."

Alistair's look of shock gave way to a look of stern disapproval, but later, as Ashlyn and Alistair were making their way back to the Tower, with a wicked grin on his face, he thanked her profusely. "That gave me about as much pleasure as I could ever have hoped for, save for slapping her myself!"

As they approached the Tower, Alistair gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and an encouraging smile.

Of course, Irving agreed to help the child. "But, we will need some time to get ready." Things here are still in disarray." Irving said.

"How is he?" Ashlyn asked with trepidation.

"He is mending Ashlyn, but I think it would help him a great deal to see you."

Ashlyn knew she would need to screw up her courage and see him. It wasn't that she did not want to see him. She had resolved her initial feelings of hurt and shock over his words, she loved him deeply still. But she feared his feelings for her had changed irrevocably and the sweetness of his love for her was lost.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: P****eople Sometimes Need to Remake Memories**

It had been a tiring trip to the Tower and Ashlyn was physically and emotionally exhausted. She decided she would rest a bit and get cleaned up before she went to him. As she found her way to the room she had been given, she chuckled to herself. "_I can do battle with darkspawn and abominations, without fear, but the thought of seeing Cullen, scares me to death! I am a fool!"_

Soaking in the warm soapy water of the tub she closed her eyes. _"Please don't hate me"_ she prayed. She toweled off and dressed. She buttoned up her white linen tunic, pulled on her black suede leggings and soft leather knee highs and sat at the small desk to brush her tangled hair. She was lost in thought when she heard the banging of a boot on her door. She rolled her eyes.

"For Maker's sake Alistair – using your hand to knock is the conventional approach. You ought to try it sometime!" She called out as she went to open the door.

But there stood Cullen, with a tray of cake and tea in his hand.

"I don't know about your friend Alistair, but I am all for convention as you know. As you can see, my hands are temporarily unavailable."

He stood there awkwardly. Ashlyn froze for a minute, unable to move. She stared, drinking him in. He looked tired and pale, but there was light in his soft eyes and he was smiling – dimples and all. She fought the urge to throw her arms around him and smother him in with kisses.

"Thank the Maker." She breathed. She didn't know if she said those words aloud or to herself.

"I brought a peace offering. May I come in?' He asked.

"Yes, of course, please, come in." Ashlyn replied blushing.

"I wasn't sure that you would want to see me." He said.

She was more beautiful than he remembered. He could see that she was fit and strong. Her brilliant blue eyes that he loved so much were shining and that silky mass of auburn hair that drove him mad, fell softly and gracefully to frame her lovely face.

"And I wasn't sure you would want to see me" She said, smiling weakly.

Cullen placed the tray on the table near the large overstuffed brown settee that faced the hearth. He poured them some tea and sat down beside her.

"Hilda made these for you when she found out you were here… honey cakes."

"Interesting choice" Ashlyn said, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry.

"Yes, I thought so too. He said. "I thought not to bring them at first, but then Hilda said that people sometimes need to remake memories. She said that sometimes, something sweet and good can come from even the worst of memories."

She stared at the honey cakes and shuddered. "I remember crumbs" she said rather too sharply. Why did she snap at him she wondered? Anger and fear, she thought to herself.

"Really? I remember something different." He said quietly. "I made a vow that night, that I would find a way to make it right between Mages and Templars - even if it took a lifetime. And as you know ," he said with a smile, "I don't take my vows lightly."

She let his words sit there. Was he saying that he wanted to make it right between them? Did he mean his vow against relationships with Mages? She wasn't sure, and she wasn't sure she was ready to know.

She asked about his healing, his visitors and about how the Mages and the Templars were coping in the aftermath of Uldred's insanity. Cullen wanted to hear about what had happened to her, and how the Blight was progressing. Ashlyn told him about Ostagar and Redcliffe. She talked about the Qunari, Sten, loveable Leliana, and of course, Wynne. She decided it might be best to tell him about Morrigan another time. But mostly she talked about Alistair. She talked about his antics and humor, his kindness and wisdom. And although her stories brought laughter between them, Cullen could see how much she loved him. His heart began to sink.

"_So that's it then."_ he thought to himself. "You and this Prince of yours…I am happy for you." Cullen wanted to kick himself – that seemed like such a foolish thing to say!

"What? This Prince of mine? No, Cullen, it's not like that." Ashlyn replied.

And suddenly, the levity was gone. She had been trying to avoid it, but Cullen had opened the door again and Ashlyn knew she had to walk through it.

"I have already given someone my heart, Cullen, and his name is not Alistair." She said, her voice thick with emotion.

Cullen's relief was visible.

"Ashlyn, that day you rescued me. I know I said some terrible things. I would like to explain."

"It's not needed Cullen. You were tortured. I think I understand. I just don't want you to hate me. I can ask nothing more of you." Ashlyn whispered.

"I don't think I could ever hate you Ashlyn." He paused. "It is true that on that day, and for days, maybe weeks after I felt hated for Mages - for what they had done to me and to my brothers. But it was because of the way I feel about you, that I was able to let the hatred go. How could I hate mages and love you? I could not. It was you that helped me see reason over blind rage and passion. I hope you can forgive me, but if I have lost your heart, I understand." Cullen said.

"You have not lost my heart Cullen." Ashlyn said. She reached over placing her fingers between his, and clasping his hand "I just fear that I have lost yours."

He brought her close. He touched her face. He searched her eyes.

"Never." He said. He stood up and turned his back to her, and began.

"I need to tell you. For days, weeks, hour after hour a desire demon tortured me with visions of you. Tempting me, begging me. I-I wanted you so much but I knew if I did as you begged – as the demon begged in my vision - I would be lost. So, I cursed my love for you - my ill-advised infatuation - because the demon was using it to break me - to make me into an abomination. And I kept thinking that if I hadn't fallen in love with you Ashlyn, that somehow she could not have tortured me. And if I could reject you maybe she would stop. I know that makes no sense now, but after weeks of her words whispering in my ears and the visions, well it made all the sense in the world." He paused. His face became pale. Beads of sweat began forming on his brow.

"Please Cullen. You don't need to talk about it. I understand." Ashlyn said worriedly.

"No." Cullen replied sharply. "I need you to know."

She poured Cullen a glass of wine. He sipped, and sat down again and then continued.

"Ashlyn – you were never my sin nor were you ever my shame. The demon – the vision of you that she showed me… I kept telling myself that Ashlyn would never do that. She would never try to make me break my vow. She would never want me to do those things to her… not in that way. And as much as I wanted you - that knowledge helped me to resist. And so the demon forced me to endure visions of a man who once tried to… rape me." Cullen stopped, and Ashlyn took his hand. His pain and humiliation were palpable.

"And after being forced to watch that scene of that man … played over and over and over again, I began to become convinced that it was my fault, my sin, my shame, that made him try to do those things to me…" Cullen was spent.

"Cullen. I am so sorry." She whispered. She drew him close, and held him. "Thank you for telling me Cullen."

They were quiet for awhile, and then Ashlyn mused: "I remember after what Lloyd did, I was angry with you – I told you that you didn't understand, but you did, didn't you? And that is why you reacted so strongly to him isn't it? I thought you might kill him"

Cullen nodded.

"And I remember now, that your care of me that night, made me feel safe…. So then what Hilda says is true. Sometimes, we need to remake our memories. We need to find the good even in bad memories." She took a piece of the honey cake and ate it. "The cake is delicious" she said as she offered a piece to Cullen. ''and this memory of it, will be very sweet indeed."

"I love you Ashlyn." He said and he drew her closer still.

She moved her lips to his and they kissed. Deeply, ardently. Ashlyn melted into his arms. He caressed her face, her neck. His hands found her breasts, touching them lightly and sending shivers up Ashlyn's spine. He felt himself harden as he pressed closer to her.

"Do you think we need to re-make the false memories the demon created?" She asked. She was embarrassed by her questions, and cast her eyes down.

Cullen cupped her face in his hands, and with a sweetness and passion that Ashlyn would never forget he asked "Will you make love to me Ashlyn?"

She was silent for a few moments.

"Yes.' She whispered. "Are you certain…? " She started to speak but Cullen kissed her words away.

He slowly began to unbutton her shirt, and she, his. Soon their clothes were in a heap on the floor. She traced her fingers over his muscled chest and kissed the pattern of the scars on his body. He groaned with delight at her touch. Tongues probing, fingers reaching and hands touching. Gasps of pleasure escaped from Ashlyn's lips as Cullen reveled in her taste and in her touch and in her feel. Body thrusting, back arching, moans in unison now, they exploded. Blissful in the afterglow, they fell asleep in one another's arms.

When they awoke, they luxuriated in a feeling of peace and contentment. He could not stop caressing her. Her face, her neck, her hair. He wanted to kiss her forever, hold her forever, and never let her go. She felt such joy at his touch and in his warmth.

"I think we made a better memory." Cullen said, smiling.

"I think perhaps we should try to make another one – just to make sure" Ashlyn replied shyly.

They made love again. Slowly, tenderly, drinking in each other's taste and smell and pleasure. It was their first, and they both prayed it would not their last.

They said their good-byes and made their promises to find each other whenever they could in the weeks and months to come. Reluctantly, Cullen left her room. She knew it was time to go. She packed up her things and went to find Alistair. She was told that he was waiting outside for her in the courtyard. The Mages that Irving had gathered to assist with the ritual for Conner had already started on their way. As she left the Tower, she caught a final glimpse of him. He was with Alistair. Alistair's arm was clasped around Cullen's back and he was talking to him with great animation. Cullen nodded and laughed and extended his hand to Alistair. Cullen disappeared around the corner.

After he was gone, Ashlyn approached Alistair. She wondered if she looked different now, or if maybe Alistair could tell. She mustered up her most serious Grey Warden face.

"What was that about?" Ashlyn said

"I'll never tell." replied Alistair smirking.

"Maker help me!" Ashlyn said rolling her eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Yes**

The days, the weeks, the months passed. Battle after battle, death after death, horror after horror. They had found the sacred ashes, and Ashlyn desperately wished Cullen was there to see Andraste's resting place. Eamon was cured at last. They secured the promise of the Elves. And finally after traveling to Orzammar and dealing with the dreaded deep roads, they had the support of the newly crowned King of Orzammar, Bhelen.

Before heading on to Denerim, Ashlyn decided she would return to the Tower. She needed to see Cullen. She wanted to tell him of the ashes and about Brother Genitivi, who she knew could help Cullen with his study of history and the book he was sure to write when this was all over. And she wanted to see him, to love him, to touch him. To feel his arms around her, to feel safe and a peace, and sane. She wanted to make love to him. And besides, she had made a promise to Dagna. Sweet Dagna, a Dwarven child with a brilliant mind, whose passion for magic and the Circle, despite her inability to ever use magic, had led her to give up caste and kin for the privilege of study on the surface.

Reluctantly, Alistair left her at the gates to Tower, and headed off to see Eamon. He had some of his own business to attend to in Denerim he had told her rather mysteriously.

Word of her arrival had preceded her. She was greeted by Irving, who was relieved to see her. He was intrigued by the thought of having a dwarf among them, and readily agreed to accept her into the circle.

"Child." he said.

A chill went up her spine. There was something about his tone of voice that scared her.

"Greagoir would like to see you. Come let us find him at once." He hurriedly escorted her to Greagoir's office.

"First Enchanter… what is this about? Please Irving, tell me." She pleaded.

'Hush Child. In good time."

They arrived in Greagoir's office. He motioned them both to sit down.

"You are well Warden?" He queried

"Yes Knight-Commander. " She tried not to seem too anxious. She and Cullen had decided to keep the nature of how their relationship had developed quiet for right now. There would be much to overcome in the future, despite her changed status, and they wanted to see where their love would take them without outside pressure of interference.

"I know that you and Ser Cullen are… friends, so I wanted to be the one to tell you." Greagoir started. "We have heard some disturbing rumours. A few of our circle mages who were serving with Templars outside the Tower escaped the Blight and went to Kirkwall. The mages joined Kirkwall's the Circle. Cullen received a letter from one of the Templars stationed there. A friend of his, apparently – Ser Thrask. It would seem that life in Tower in Kirkwall is, shall we say, harsh, perhaps too harsh. I know the Knight-Commander there and she is, most zealous in her approach. "

"I see" Ashlyn said, trying to process what Greagoir was saying.

"We want to see if we can bring back our mages. And we want to see what is truly going on in Kirkwall. I have sent Cullen there."

Ashlyn took a deep breath. Her heart was in her stomach.

"I submitted a request for his transfer there to Knight-Commander Meredith. I explained to her that Cullen was a bit too fervent for our approach to Mages here in Fereldon, since our small but devastating uprising. I indicated that perhaps a change of duty under a different command would temper him. Meredith was only too happy to take him off our hands. It appears she believes her Templars too soft.

"What?" Ashlyn said, standing, anger rising."Greagoir, that's a lie!"

"Yes Warden. It is."

She sat down slowly. It was sinking in.

"So you are sending a man, who has barely recovered from an ordeal that words could not even describe, to be a some sort of undercover spy, in a foreign land. Alone." Ashlyn was furious now.

"Yes, we have."

Ashlyn began twisting the chain around her neck. She leaned back in her chair, and composed herself.

"And no doubt Cullen was happy to volunteer!" She could not hide the tenderness in her voice.

"Child." Irving said. "He does this for Templar's and Mages both."

"He left something for you in his quarters." Said Greagoir.

"Thank you both. I will stay the night and I must leave in the morning. The Landsmeet is upon us. Perhaps we can finally end the civil war and the Blight." She said wearily.

When she arrived in Cullen's room, her dinner was waiting for her, honey cakes not forgotten. She began to undress, and saw that one of Cullen' shirts was hanging neatly over his chair. She pulled it on. It was foolish she knew, but somehow it helped her spirits. She could smell him in his shirt and in his books, and on his bed, where on his pillow she spied a small box and a letter.

_My Love;_

_That you are reading this letter fills me with joy, for it means that you are still alive and well. I miss you more that I can say, and pray for your safety._

_I do not know how you are feeling about my leaving– are you angry with me? Have I done something foolish? Ser Thrask is a distant relation and was a playmate of mine from my days before my parents died. He is an honorable man. He took a risk by sending me word of what was happening. Things may not be as dire as he says, and even if they are, I am not sure what I can do. I just could not stand by and do nothing if Mages are suffering needlessly, and if there is truly something evil there, I cannot stand by and let my brothers or the good people of Kirkwall fall victim to abominations._

_I have left my shirt for you – the one you took from me and wore that night – that special night that sustains me. Somehow I wondered if it might bring you some comfort. Foolish again? And I do hope Hilda left some honey cakes for you._

_Now, if you have forgiven me, and have decided my actions are not those of a man gone mad , but of a man who loves you more than life itself, I hope you will open the box, and then read this letter further._

Ashlyn smiled through her tears. _"I love you Cullen, and all the more for what you are trying to do."_ She said to herself.

She put down the letter and reached for the box. She opened it slowly, and inside there was a ring. It was gold and studded with sapphires. Her tears flowed unbidden.

_I want to marry you Ashlyn, if you will have me. Will you marry me? I checked my Templar rule book (remember that?). And it is allowed! _

_I do not know when I will return, soon I trust, and I do not know if you will be there waiting. I had hoped to be on bended knee to ask for your hand. But I could not wait. I wish I could be looking at you right now. I chose sapphires because they are the color of your eyes, and your eyes are the first thing I think of when I think of you. _

_Whether or not you accept my proposal of marriage – for I would never ask of you more than you can give – I hope you will accept this ring as a token of how much you mean to me. You have healed my heart and saved my life._

_As soon as I can I will come to find you. If you chose to write to me, please be careful of your words, because I cannot know who else may be reading my correspondence. _

_Always,_

_Cullen_

She went to Cullen's desk and found a sheet of paper. She dipped his pen into the ink and wrote one word.

_**Yes. **_

She would send the letter from Denerim. Just to be safe.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: He Will Kill Us Both**

Alistair waited every night at the Denerim Chantry, hoping she would come.

"She must know that I am here by now." Alistair thought. As he sat down on the hard wooden bench, hidden by the darkness he remembered when he had first met her.

_Alistair had been stationed in the small Chantry near Gwaren. As one of the youngest and newest Templar recruits, Alistair pulled the least popular duty, standing guard inside the Chantry sanctuary at night. It was boring, tedious and a waste of time as far as Alistair was concerned, but if he were to be found asleep, he would no doubt be punished severely for dereliction of duty._

_One night, he was surprised to hear the door to the sanctuary open. In walked a cloaked figure, a young woman, blond hair streaming from beneath a hood. She lit a candle from the everlasting flame, and on bended knee, gave a silent prayer. She took a seat on the wooden pew, and sat. Soft cries could be heard. _

_Alistair felt awkward. It was as though he were intruding on something private and personal. He decided not to make his presence known. He was in an alcove, pretty much hidden from view, and it was dark. But, after about an hour, as he shifted his weight, a creak in the floor gave away his presence._

_The woman turned towards the noise. "Is anyone there?" she said. _

_Alistair noted the fear in her voice. "I am sorry Miss. Just a Templar – do not be afraid." Alistair said. He moved away from the shadowy alcove, and began to approach. She quickly turned from him._

"_Please. Do not come near." She said._

_Alistair was never good at following instructions. The girl sounded fearful and she had been crying. He walked towards her._

"_Are you hurt Miss?" He said as he reached her._

_Her head was down and he could not see her face._

"_Not really" She said. She looked up and Alistair gasped. It was Anora Mac Tir, the beautiful daughter of the Teryn. And in the light, he could see a reddened cheek and the mark of a hand across it._

"_Please don't tell anyone you found me here. I just needed to be alone."_

"_Of course, no one need know. Can I help you? Alistair asked gently._

_She was struck by the kindness in his voice. "No. Its fine, I will be fine." _

"_Really? I am not so sure." He smiled at her._

"_Really!" She said, a small smile playing at her full lips._

_They sat in silence for what seemed forever to Alistair. Finally she rose. She pulled off her hood, her soft blond hair falling carelessly around her shoulders. Large warm brown eyes gazed up at Alistair and she took his hand. _

"_Thank you" she said, and then she was gone._

_Alistair's head began to spin. The daughter of Teryn Loghain – my father's closest friend and ally. I wonder if the Teryn knows about me. I wonder if my father even knows. And isn't she to marry my brother? _

_Alistair was shocked when, a few nights later Anora again came to the Chantry. _

"_Ser?" She said. "I wanted to thank you for your kindness the other night. I have brought you something to eat – to sustain you through the long night." She unwrapped a warm loaf of bread and a hunk of some delicious cheese. And she brought a small flagon of wine – to keep him warm she said._

"_Hmm I love cheese" Alistair said between mouthfuls. "This was very kind of you .Thank you."_

_They ate and drank wine and talked long into the night. And so began a ritual between them that lasted many months. She never asked him his name, although Alistair suspected somehow she knew. And what he came to know of Anora, was that she was not only a very beautiful, woman, but she was intelligent and caring and generous of heart and spirit. He learned that she was truly very fond of Cailan, but that he was unfaithful, and that she could never fully give him her heart. But it did not matter. She had no choice. She would be Queen. And he learned that she loved, but feared her father. It was he who had slapped her that night they had met. She would never say why, nor would she speak of it again._

_Mostly they would laugh and giggle. Alistair cautiously told her of his childhood – leaving out of course, the most important parts .He told her of his life in the Chantry, of the beatings and the cruelty, and of his grooming to become a Templar. He loved the discipline and the study. She would talk of her life, of the parties and the formalities and the lives of the foolish nobles she would one day rule. _

_The news that Maric was dead sent shock waves through out Fereldon. Alistair wished he could cry, but his anger and resentment of the father he had never known, got in the way. But the tears fell when he realized that Cailan was now King, and Anora would soon be wed. The bitter irony of it was more than he wanted to contemplate. Alistair had fallen hopelessly in love. _

_The last time he saw Anora was now just a bittersweet memory. She had come to him to say good-bye. They had kissed with a passion and an urgency that Alistair believed he would never experience again. And although she did not say it, Alistair felt sure she too had fallen in love with him – at least a little._

"_Thank you for all you have done. Your kindness and care has meant the world to me". She had said. "I wish things could have been different Alistair."_

_So she knew. And she was gone._

The door to the Denerim Chantry chapel opened. She had come as he had hoped. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, his face grinning. She ran to him, hair streaming, warm brown eyes smiling. They embraced. He wanted to kiss her but instead he gently held her arms and told her how beautiful she looked.

"You have done well Alistair" she said.

"I am so sorry about Cailan." Alistair said. He could see her stiffen. _What turmoil she must be_ _experiencing, _Alistair thought. _She must know what her father had done_.

"Alistair, please forgive me for coming right to the point but I cannot be seen with you. Why are you fighting me Alistair, you of all people?" Anora asked, trying to hold back her tears.

"I am not fighting you Anora; I am fighting your father." He said gently. "Anora, I cannot allow your father to rule behind you. He murdered my comrades, he murdered Duncan. He murdered Cailan and he left hundreds to die.

"Stop Alistair. I beg you. He is my father!"

Alistair sighed and shook his head. "Anora, I…"

"Alistair I cannot stay. Please don't do this. He will kill you." The desperation in her voice hit him like a blow to his stomach.

"_He will kill us both."_ She thought as she left.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Fear Inspires Obedience**

When Ashlyn arrived in Denerim, she immediately set off to Arl Eamon's estate. She caught up with Zevran and Wynne, Sten and Leliana. Oghren was drunk, and Shale refused to talk with her – something about too many pigeons in Denerim. Morrigan was unusually quiet and greeted her with a fondness she had never before seen in her. She found Alistair in the library. He seemed perturbed, and uncharacteristically sullen, but his face brightened when he saw her. He gave her a big hug and planted a rather loud, wet kiss on her cheek.

"I missed you!" He said. "All is well with Cullen I trust. You look happy."

Ashlyn told him about Cullen's unexpected departure. She had planned to leave out the engagement part, but she was bursting with excitement and had to tell someone.

"Kirkwall - The City of Chains - perhaps an apt name. I am sorry Ashlyn. Cullen is doing the right thing, but it won't be easy. We've both heard Leliana's tales. Hiding the truth about oneself. Living a lie. It starts to tear at the soul after a while. Look, as soon as this is over, we will find a way to get you there, I promise. And congratulations! I couldn't be any happier for you. He is a good man and from what I can see, worthy of your love."

"Thank you Alistair. Your approval means a lot."

He fell silent.

"What's wrong Alistair? You look… perturbed." She said.

"There is probably something else I should have told you. " Alistair said.

"Oh no! What? Your mother is the Empress of Orlais?" Ashlyn said grinning.

Alistair laughed.

"Hmm - that would be something wouldn't it? Were it that simple!" He said. And then he told her about Anora.

Ashlyn was, to say the least, surprised at Alistair's revelation. She wondered what else he wasn't telling her.

"So what does this mean Alistair? 'Ashlyn asked.

"Nothing. It changes nothing. It is just hard for me to see her as the enemy sometimes. She was such a sweet, spirited woman when I first met her. It is sad, that's all" Alistair signed deeply. "When I spoke to her, well, there was desperation in her voice. She is deathly afraid of something, probably Loghain himself, but I cannot be sure. I hate to admit it, but I worry for her."

"Do you still love her?" Ashlyn asked softly

"I don't know. " Alistair said, blushing. "I do care about her. But I was young and no doubt we have both changed." He paused. "Look, it doesn't matter. Let's talk more later. We need to find Eamon. I did a lot of nosing around Denerim while you were gone and I need to let him know what little I have learned."

Events moved quickly from that point forward, and the next time Alistair and Ashlyn found themselves alone, they were half naked and in a Fort Drakon prison cell. Still groggy from their attackers, they sat huddled together for a while to gather their strength.

"Well, alone at last." Alistair said.

"I cannot believe that Loghain would sell his own daughter to Howe! Maker knows what he would have done to her." Ashlyn said shuddering.

"I just don't understand his hold over her. I know he is her father but still." Alistair said.

"Hmm, you know Cullen once said to me that fear inspires obedience. I think she has been afraid for a very long time." Ashlyn replied.

They managed to escape and get back to Eamon's estate. Together in Eamon's study, Ashlyn, Alistair, the Arl, Anora, and Riordan, the Grey Warden they had rescued from Howe's prison, strategized about their next steps. It was, to say the least, awkward. Alistair and Anora acted as though they had just met. Polite and cordial. Eamon was oblivious, but Ashlyn sensed a tension between Alistair and Anora that she thought might explode. They calculated that even with Anora on their side, they did not have the numbers to ensure success at the Landsmeet. Anora had told them of trouble in the Alienage for which she was sure her father and Howe were somehow responsible. They agreed to investigate the matter the next day.

Ashlyn excused herself as soon as she was able. There was a letter waiting for her from Cullen.

My Love

I have arrived safely and I am beginning my duties. Everyone here has been most kind. Things are different than they were in Fereldon, so I will have to adjust. Please know that I am safe and that I pray to the Maker that you are too. We hear rumors that the situation in Fereldon is dire.

I received your note, and you have no idea how happy you have made me. I will be given some leave in three months and will wait for you where first we met.

I wish I could say more, but you know how much I dislike writing.

Always,

Cullen

Ashlyn was relieved to know that Cullen had arrived in Kirkwall safely. Although disappointed that the letter raised questions and concerns that could not be answered, she understood that Cullen was editing himself. Cullen loves to write, so clearly, he was free to express himself. That worried her. Three months seemed like an eternity to have to wait. The Landsmeet was to be held tomorrow. How she wished he could be here.

As agreed earlier, Ashlyn went to see Anora and told her she would have their support in her bid for the throne. It was a lie, of course, because Ashlyn had no intention of supporting her over Alistair. While Anora would have much strength as a ruler and would bring stability to the land, Alistair was the one who would actually do something to improve the lot of the Elves, to change the role of Mages in Fereldon society, to safeguard the vulnerable and the innocent. Ashlyn knew that Alistair was destined to be King. He was their last, best hope. And while Alistair had been reluctant at first, Ashlyn knew he was beginning to see that he had not only the skill and ability, but indeed, the obligation and the desire.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: I do Not Deserve the Throne**

Alistair knocked on Anora's door and to Alistair's surprise, she allowed him to come in. It was obvious she had been crying.

"I am sorry Anora. He is your father, and this must be very difficult for you." He said, as he took a seat beside her on the settee. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." She said dully. "There is much you do not know, and much I do not have the strength to tell you, at least not now, Alistair." She paused, tears filling her eyes. They sat in silence. Alistair waited patiently for her to continue. "But I do thank you for your concern, truly."

"We were friends once. What happened to that spirited, soft hearted girl who was full of dreams and hopes?" Alistair asked quietly.

"That girl died." She said wearily "Quite some time ago I am afraid."

Alistair poured them both a glass of wine from the decanter that sat on the table in front of them.

"Do you know what the irony is in all this?" She said after taking a sip. "I didn't really want the throne, not at first. It was thrust upon me. First, by my father forcing me to marry Cailan and then because Cailan, as well-meaning as he was, abandoned his responsibilities to the throne, and to me. He left me to my father's abuse. He did not believe me." She paused. " But you know what? I found out that I was good at being Queen. And now, I have nothing else. The throne is the only thing that will keep me safe from my father, Alistair. If I concede the throne to you then without a doubt, my father will kill us both, and Fereldon would be ruled by a mad man who would prostitute his own daughter to remain in power." She said bitterly, and then with a tenderness that touched him, she whispered. " I do not want you to die Alistair."

Anora hung her head. She tried to hold back her tears but she could not. She began to sob. Something told her in her heart that it she was safe now. Instinctively Alistair hugged her. He held her in his arms for a long time, stroking her hair, and telling her it would be better now.

She pulled away. "So there you have it Alistair, the nasty truth! I am a selfish, gutless, bitch, as my father never ceases to remind me. I would rather hold the throne to escape a mad man than concede it to the man to whom it rightfully belongs by birthright and by deed and by action."

Alistair took his hand to her chin and gently turned her face to him. "If you are ready to stand against your father now Anora, I will support you." He looked straight into her large, soft, brown eyes, and with strength and a certainty that could not be denied he said, "and I will never let him hurt you again."

She hung her head again. Minutes passed.

"Thank you Alistair, but it has just finally dawned on me that I do not deserve the throne. I have betrayed the people of Fereldon – the sins of my father are my sins too. My denial and my fear…"

Alistair stopped her.

"Do you remember that last night in Gwaren?" Alistair said. "I wanted to ask you to run away and marry me, but I didn't have the courage. And I know what your answer would have been. That's not the point. The point is, that I did not ask. I did not take the risk because of my pride and of my fear of certain rejection."

He raked his hands through the sandy colored hair that he once kept short, but which had now grown long.

"I am tired of it! Pride and fear and anger and hatred. I have had enough. The death, the destruction the senseless power plays." He said, angrily. "I have learned much since becoming a Grey Warden Anora. I have found myself, thanks to Duncan and to Ashlyn. If we can defeat the Archdemon and live – then there are things I would see change. I do want to be King. I want to make the father and the brother that I never knew proud. As stupid and foolish and vain as that sounds, it is what I want. But I cannot do it alone Anora."

She looked up at him His green eyes were full of compassion, and his handsome face was taut and full of tension.

"You understand the nuances and the politics of the nobility." He said. " You have the knowledge and experience to bring economic and administrative stability to Fereldon. But I can help rebuild and defend the country, reshape the army, the Wardens and the Templars. I can work with the Circle and the Chantry to free the Mages. I can find a place for the Elves."

There. He had said it out loud for the first time. And it felt good and it felt right.

"Let's end this now. I did not ask then, so I will ask you now, I will set aside my pride and my fears and I ask you to set aside yours. Marry me Anora." Alistair whispered.

They sat in shocked silence. He had not intended to say those things, and she had not expected to hear them. She remembered the handsome young Templar that she had kissed that night, wishing that she was to marry him and not his brother. In her heart she knew that Alistair would simply love of her for who she was, warts and all. She knew that Alistair needed her and desired her, and at the time in her life, she desperately wanted to be needed and desired. But this wasn't about how she once felt for Alistair or he for her. Things were very different now.

And then she smiled.

" I don't know what to say… to marry Cailan's brother … it's kind of creepy Alistair!" They burst out laughing at the absurdity of it.

"Now that' s the girl I knew." Alistair said with a grin.

"Anora, both you and I have a chance to make a difference, and I know you don't need me. But I think together, we could do a lot. You have nothing to lose. I will probably die anyway. But it would be a way to bring peace and unity to Fereldon at a time when we need it. And, it would be a political arrangement Anora. I would never expect you … well, unless, you wanted to … well… " Alistair blushed.

"You will be a fine King Alistair, better than I would have imagined. And I think I do need you." Anora said. " What you say makes sense, so yes, I will marry you to unite the country. More than that I cannot promise. But know that I would never want to stand in the way of your happiness, and I am not sure that I could ever be the one who could make you happy."

"Well see about that" Alistair said.

XXX

Loghain lay on the floor defeated. Alistair had proved to be the better warrior. Anora went to her father, as he lay wounded and bleeding on the floor of the great hall, tears streaming down her face. And for the first time in many years, it was her father's voice she heard and not that of a mad man. As her tears fell he hushed her and said:

"_Daughters never grow up Anora. They remain six years old with pigtails and skinned knees forever_"

Alistair turned to Ashlyn. He was poised to take the killing blow. His face said everything. He would kill Loghain in a heartbeat, but because of Anora, he hesitated. But Ashlyn did not. It was Loghain who had manipulated and encouraged Uldred to rebel against the Circle. It was Loghain who gave his tacit approval for Uldred to do what he did. Loghain was as responsible for what happened to Cullen and the others. It was time for Loghain to pay for his crimes, all of them. Ashlyn raised her hand and let a bolt of spirit energy fly. Loghain was dead.

And so it was done. Alistair would finish his duty as Grey Warden and do battle with the Archdemon. Anora would rule, and if he survived they would marry and rule Fereldon together.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: I Am a Templar and You Are a Mage**

Ashlyn and Alistair talked quietly in his room at Redcliffe Castle. Unless some miracle occurred one of them would have to die. Riordan had revealed why it was Grey Wardens who were the only ones who could end the Blight. Alistair made it clear that he would not allow Ashlyn to sacrifice herself. She belonged with Cullen and the two of them had important work to do, He would have to find a way to control her somehow if it came down to it, so that he would be the one to slay the archdemon. But he knew she would fight him tooth and nail, and if she decided to use her magical abilities, he doubted his chances. It would be risky, but he would have to find a way.

With equal resolve, Ashlyn made it very clear that she would not allow Alistair to put himself at risk. He was the King of Fereldon. He had a duty to survive, to support Anora, and to bring his vision for Fereldon to life. No one could do for Fereldon what Alistair alone could do, no matter how much he tried to argue differently. Ashlyn knew that Alistair's would not allow her to sacrifice herself. He could overpower her, but she knew she had to prevail somehow.

While hardly a miracle, a solution was provided by Morrigan of all people. Ashlyn trusted Morrigan. Despite their strong dislike for one another, she believed that both Alistair and Morrigan had a begrudging respect for one another. But Morrigan's solution was a ritual that required that Alistair engage with Morrigan sexually and to conceive a child. That went against everything that Alistair stood for. And if a child was conceived, Alistair did not know if he could walk away. They argued for hours.

Alistair knew he could not guarantee Ashlyn's survival , and in the end, that was more important to him than anything else. So with fear, disgust, trepidation, and a bit of morbid curiosity, he agreed.

"Well, I suppose I could just pretend that I was going to The Pearl. And it would save me the embarrassment of being the first virgin King of Fereldon. And it wouldn't be like I was cheating on Anora. We aren't married yet and well I am not sure we will have that kind of marriage anyway. And isn't this what Theirin's do? Apparently both my father and Cailin got around quite a bit. He said. "I am, babbling again, aren't I?"

"Yes, but I love you anyway, Alistair." Ashlyn said smiling.

"Yes, well, just don't tell Cullen. He'd have my head. Let's just hope we both live long enough not to regret this!

XXX

He felt her warm breath on his chest. He could feel her silky soft hair gently tickling the crook of his neck. He opened his eyes. It wasn't just a dream. She was there, asleep in his arms. Suddenly he felt moist lips kissing him and long slender fingers teasing him. He let out a long contented sigh. She found his lips, ran her fingers through his hair, and looked at him with such love and tenderness that he thought he would weep. They made love again.

She got up and walked over to the hearth to bring their breakfast. He watched her, so graceful and soft. He wasn't sure how he had managed to marry the most beautiful woman in Thedas, but he had. He sat up, and she placed a tray of warm biscuits and tea on his lap. She climbed back into bed.

The Blight was over. The Archdemon was dead. Alistair was King, and she was the Hero of Fereldon, although in her heart she knew it was Alistair who had been the true hero. Their marriage had been a private one. Leliana had convinced the Mother from Lothering to perform the ceremony along with Alistair. Greagoir was there, as was Anora, Irving and Wynne. And when it was done Alistair pronounced that this was the first - the first publically recorded marriage of a Mage and a Templar in Fereldon, and perhaps in all of Thedas.

Greagoir had fallen ill, and asked Cullen to remain in Fereldon to take on the role of Knight Commander. Cullen agreed, but only on a temporary basis. Ashlyn was going to Amaranthine to oversee the re-establishment of the Fereldon Wardens at Vigils Keep and Cullen thought he would go with her. In the meantime they were fortunate enough to be staying at Palace in Denerim, as guests of the King and Queen.

As they ate their breakfast Ashlyn asked "Do you really want to come to Amaranthine, Cullen? "

"I want to be with you – be it Denerim, Amaranthine or Rivain. It doesn't matter as long as we are together."

She smiled. "What if I came to Kirkwall?"

Cullen was taken aback. "You wouldn't Ash. Alistair has pretty much ordered you to the Keep. He is your friend, true, but he is also the King."

"But what if…" she persisted

"Then I would go to Kirkwall with you. Happily." Cullen said. "Alright Ashlyn, what's going on?"

"I am not overjoyed by the idea of rebuilding of the Wardens. But it needs to be done, and I am the only one left to do it." She said. "But can you tell me that you would be happy at the Chantry in Amaranthine or helping at the Keep? "

Cullen was silent.

"Cullen, I love you. I want nothing more than to be with you always. But more than that, I want you to be happy in who you are and what you do. I think you have left things unfinished in Kirkwall. I know you Cullen. You need to go back, to finish."

Cullen had been disturbed by what he had seen there, and there was a part of him that wanted, no needed, to learn more.

"So you go to Amaranthine and I go to Kirkwall. Is that what you are thinking? So much for a normal life for you and me." Cullen said.

"Did you think we were going to have a normal life? Is that what either of us even wants?" Ashlyn asked.

"I am a Templar and you are a Mage. No, I don't suppose normal was never in the cards." he said laughing. He kissed her lightly on her cheek. "But I love the idea of coming home to you every day, of sleeping with you every night, and waking up with you in my arms every morning."

"As do I." Ashlyn said.

"Would you really defy Alistair and come to Kirkwall with me?" Cullen asked, eyes crinkling.

"Yes."

"And you would be twisted in knots the whole time, worrying that you were being selfish and letting your King down. That's not going to happen Ash."

There was a knock on the door. A page had been sent by Alistair, inviting them to join him and Anora in Alistair's private study.

"Well, I guess we will have to continue our fight later." said Cullen.

"Oh, are we fighting?" asked Ashlyn batting her eyelashes.

"No, but we will be" said Cullen grinning.

"Have I ever told you how much your dimples drive me crazy? Ashlyn asked demurely.

"Arghh – you will be the death of me!" Cullen said as he lunged towards her tickling her and giving her a big kiss.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: The Man has Talent**

Anora and Alistair were married on the same day as their coronation. They had decided to postpone any sort of official celebration. Fereldon was still in a state of chaos, and there was much to be done. The Palace staff was happy to have Anora back. She was genuinely adored by them and that spoke well of her.

It did not take long for Alistair to fall in love with her again. Her humor, grace and beauty were intoxicating to him, especially in the face of the brutality she had experienced at the hands of her father. Over time, the stories of her father's cruelty to and control of her came tumbling out in bits and pieces. Alistair knew Anora was not ready. He knew she might never be ready. As he became increasingly aware of the extent of her father's abuse of her, and the impact of Cailan's abandonment, he knew her heart would not easily heal, and he was not sure she would ever trust a man again, let alone Cailan's half brother. Regardless, the two worked well together. Their respect for one another and the strength of their unity brought confidence to the people and to the nobility. And for the first time in a long time, the future of Fereldon while still very fragile, looked bright.

As for Anora, she struggled with her feelings. On the one hand she could not allow herself to be vulnerable. She could not allow herself to get close enough to anyone, only to be betrayed again, for she knew it would break her. On the other hand, she could not deny what she was feeling towards Alistair. Try as she might to put him out of her thoughts, she could not. Alistair was a strong and handsome man. He was kind and gentle, and he made her laugh. He seemed to genuinely care for her, but still she was not sure she could trust him with her heart. And besides, there was still a part of her that felt unworthy. He probably hated her. She was Loghain's daughter after all.

When Cullen and Ashlyn arrived, Anora and Alistair were pouring over some documents. There was a feeling of tension in the air and both the King and Queen looked worried.

"Thanks for coming so quickly. We hate to intrude. We know you were planning to do some travelling together before you start your duties again, but before you go… "Alistair looked at Anora.

"We wanted to apprise you of our plans for the Circle. We wanted your thoughts. Who better than a Mage and Templar to comment?" Anora said smiling warmly.

"Ashlyn, you know how I feel about Mages. I believe that Mages need to be given a role – they need to be allowed to make a contribution to society. It is true that we have some free circle trained mages working independently with Templar over sight. But there are only a handful in all of Fereldon. Mages shouldn't be hidden away in a Tower. There are wonderful things that Mages can do to help all of us – particularly now with so much devastation and destruction." Alistair said.

Anora looked at Alistair. He nodded as thought to give her the go ahead.

" The two of you know and understand the risks that mages face, better than most. We want to convert the Tower into a University. We want scholars from all over Thedas to come to the Tower to study. We want to understand why Mages are so much more vulnerable to demons than others. We want to understand the Chantry laws when it comes to Mages, and how these impact the acceptance or the rejection of Mages. We want to understand the magic of Templars and how that is different from the magic of Mages. And we want to understand the why darkspawn blood is so deadly and why the taint impacts the life of the Grey Wardens as it does. There is much to learn." Anora said. Her checks were flushed and there was excitement in her voice.

"So you want to create a place where knowledge can be shared, not guarded jealously by one group or the other?" Cullen asked.

"Exactly" Anora said.

Alistair continued. Ashlyn was struck at how in tune Anora and Alistair were together. If she didn't know Alistair better, she would have sworn this all had been rehearsed.

"This of course will take time. It will take years to change and to build. And we must have a solid foundation of understanding before we can expect that any of our plans to materialize. Especially regarding Mages. People will have to stop fearing the potential power of Mages. Ashlyn – why is it that even the most powerful demons were not able to infect you? What makes Mages like you and Wynn and Irving so strong and someone like Jowan so weak?" Alistair asked.

Anora picked up from there.

"We need a vision and a model. We need to know what works and what does not. We need at least some answers to some of our questions. We can encourage small changes, we can work towards the larger goal, but we cannot effect true change without proof or some sort of tangible evidence - Ashlyn I am sorry, I mean no disrespect - that Mages can be trusted. " Anora said, averting her eyes.

An unsettled quiet pervaded the room., as both Cullen and Ashlyn digested what was being proposed.

"What you suggest is grandiose to say the least." Cullen said. "I applaud your intention. The questions you seek answers to, are the same that I have had for many years. I think I can speak for both Ashlyn and myself when I say that if we can help in anyway, you know you will have our support. Ash?"

Ashlyn had been taking it all in. It both excited her and scared her. The answers to questions are sometimes not what you want to hear – what was the reason Jowan was to be made tranquil really?. Ignorance can be blissful sometimes.

"Yes, of course. And while I understand your passion Alistair, I am pleased Anora, that you too seem committed to this course as well." Ashlyn smiled.

"Your friend here is not without persuasiveness and charm of course." She smiled up at Alistair."And the reality is we need healers, we need the power of fire and thunder and ice, to build, to grow, to restore. So we shall begin by finding ways to allow more Templars and Mages to work together outside the Tower. We must proceed with caution lest the Chantry get overly concerned and suspicious, for there will be much resistance there to change. Irving and Greagoir will help with the selection. But we need something of you Cullen." Anora said.

"As though I didn't know this was coming" He smiled. "Kirkwall?"

"Yes." said Alistair, staring straight at Ashlyn. His eyes were pleaded with her, and she was shaking her head in disbelief.

"There is something worrisome going on there. I wasn't there long, but long enough to see that Knight Commander Meredith is more than zealous. The Templars in her command range from cruel to incompetent to naive and vulnerable. Many Mages are actually imprisoned and their First Enchanter, Orsino, seems weak and ineffective. I wasn't there long enough to truly understand, but there are undercurrents of something. More than that I cannot say." Cullen replied.

"We know there is trouble brewing there, thanks to what you have already told us. But if that situation explodes, well, you can see how it could impact our hopes for reform here. "Alistair said.

"Alistair, Cullen is many wonderful things. But even he cannot be expected to mend the Circle in Kirkwall alone." Ashlyn said.

"He got you to marry him Ashlyn. The man has talent." Alistair replied grinning.

They talked long into the afternoon. Of course it would not be expected that Cullen cure what ails the Kirkwall Circle. But, whatever he could learn, however he could influence, would no doubt be invaluable to their efforts in Fereldon and could potentially save lives of Mages and Templars alike in Kirkwall. Cullen already had a foot in the door, and apparently, in the short time he was there Knight Commander Meredith took quite a shining to him, for she had written Greagoir, requesting his return as soon as possible. To sweeten the pot, he had been offered the position of Knight Captain, second in command.

But there would be a cost to Cullen and by extension, to Ashlyn. He would have to go alone. And although he could acknowledge that he was married, he certainly would not be allowed to acknowledge that it was the hero a Fereldon, and a Mage, to whom he was married. Continuing his role as a spy for Fereldon increased the chances of exposure – and that would mean certain death if caught. He would have to take action against Mages and Templar alike, brutal action at times he knew, to keep up his cover. Could he do that, and could he look either at himself or Ashlyn in the eye if he did.

Anora had had already discretely petitioned some of the nobles of Kirkwall, even the Viscount himself alluding to the possibility of an exchange of ideas about mages, and hinting at the idea of placing an observer at the circle. The response was clear and resolute. There could be no overt interference in the affairs of Kirkwall especially by Fereldon. Kirkwall was a place teeming with problems of its own, and in the opinion of many, these problems were exacerbated by the arrival of so many Fereldon refugees.

"Look ." Alistair said. "I know we've just sort of sprung this on you. Please take your time and think about it. You are under no obligation Cullen. I understand the implications of this request for you both. And there will be no pressure from with Anora or me. But" Alistair grinned and looked at Anora.

"If you do decide that this is something that you wish to do, then I have something that might help." Anora said, handing a key to Ashlyn.

"My mother's family has a small estate outside of Kirkwall. There is a beautiful little guest cottage that sits on the land, unused. It is yours if you want it. The man who runs the farm has been with my mother's family for years. He is, shall we say, discrete. "

They lay together in the warm soapy water of the inlaid tiled bath that graced the corner of their room. Like breakfast in bed, bathing together had become somewhat of a ritual, always ending with their pleasuring one another. They had agreed. Cullen would go to Kirkwall and she would go to Amaranthine. They committed for a year only, and after that, well they would see. Although Ashlyn understood that Cullen was taking their first steps to realizing a dream that they both shared, she was scared for him, scared with this experience might do to him, and to them.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20: If Alistair Finds You Worthy**

Anora knocked on the door. Ashlyn was finishing her packing, and Cullen was off consulting with Alistair somewhere in the Palace. Anora entered and approached somewhat hesitantly. Anora knew full well that that Ashlyn loved Alistair dearly and wanted him to be happy. She also knew that many saw her as her father's daughter. She wanted Ashlyn to accept her and she wanted Ashlyn to know that she cared for Alistair.

"May I speak with you a moment?" Anora asked.

Ashlyn motioned for her to sit.

Anora sat down beside Ashlyn. She was fidgeting with her sash, with her hands, with her hair. Clearly she was nervous.

"Ashlyn. I – I –wanted to talk to you about Alistair." Anora started.

"What about Alistair?" Ashlyn was curious.

It's just that, that I know you are very fond of him, and I know that, well, you are probably not too fond of me…"

"I killed your father Anora. I would think it would be you, not fond of me." Ashlyn said sardonically.

Anora sighed.

"My father was a wonderful man. He was a wonderful father, until the madness took him. I am sorry that you did not know him before. You did not kill my father Ashlyn. I have come to realize that my father died many years ago." Anora said grimly.

"I do not have many regrets Anora. But I do regret killing him. I took vengeance on your father, rather than to seek justice. That is something a Mage should never do. I should have seen your father sent to prison and tried for his crimes, although there can be little doubt that the outcome would have been the same. Instead I sought vengeance for Duncan, and for Cailan, for the Grey Wardens who died needlessly at Ostagar, for the elves sold into slavery, for Eamon, for his complicity in what happened in the Tower, for what happened to Cullen…" Ashlyn said. The memories were flooding her mind, and she did not wish to cry.

"The fact is Ashlyn, whether you knew it or not, putting him in prison and on trial would have been a far worse fate for him than slaying him on the spot. And I suppose I am grateful for that. Had you not killed him, then surely Alistair himself would have died that day by my father's hand. You saved Alistair's life." Anora said, eyes cast down. They sat in silence for a while. Finally Anora spoke again.

"I just wanted you to know that I harbor no ill feelings towards you. In fact I admire you. And I guess I hope that one day you might see me as a friend." Anora said. Ashlyn could see how difficult this was for Anora.

" I don't know what will happen between Alistair and me. I don't think I am capable of giving him what he wants and needs and deserves. But I want you to know that I will not hold him back or stand in his way. I do not want to hurt him." Anora said. There was great sadness in her voice, and Ashlyn sensed her deep and sincere sorrow.

"Thank you for that Anora. Alistair is a fine man. You will find no better. Aside from Cullen, I do not know of another man who has been knocked down more than he, but who gets up again without anger and resentment and does his duty with kindness and compassion. Do not be deceived by his charming light-heartedness and self effacing humor. He is a man of canny intelligence and strength of character. If Alistair finds you worthy Anora – then know this – you are."

XXX

They procrastinated as long as they could, but Cullen's ship was to leave and it was time for him to go. They found a seat on the one of the wooden benches that lined the docks.

She had an extra key to the cottage made, and put it on a key chain. Attached to the chain was a silver heart, much like the one Cullen had almost confiscated the first day they had met. Etched on one side of the heart was a circle and inside the circle was a Templars cross. Circle and Templar as one. On the other side of the heart the date of their marriage was etched, along with the words The First.

"There was not one day when we were separated, that I did not touch the amulet you gave me. It gave me hope and it gave me faith. I pray that this token will bring you the same." She sighed deeply. "I am not sure I have ever been so afraid of losing you. Please be safe and be careful. I cannot imagine my life without you."

Cullen held her close and kissed her tenderly. "Thank you for this. It will be my strength. But there is something else worrying you Ash." he said with concern.

"Yes. I can't hide much from you can I?" She said, smiling weakly. " I am also afraid for me. Cullen, I never could have done what I did during the blight without Alistair. He guided and supported me every step of the way. He denies it of course, but he lead us every step of the way. He just led from behind is all. I don't know if I am capable of doing what he has asked of me. I don't want to fail him or to fail you. I think I am afraid to be alone."

"My love, you are not alone. I will be with you in thought and in spirit every step of the way. You are the most skilled and intelligent woman I have ever met. Do not doubt yourself. Irving once told me that I should not be afraid to weak sometimes. That from weakness comes great strength. Believe in those words, believe in yourself as I do."

"I love you Cullen" Her tears were flowing freely.

"And I love you"

He was gone. And whatever was in store for her at the Keep, she would be facing it alone.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: And I love you**

Alistair knew that Ashlyn was less than enthusiastic about the task he had given her. He knew too that although Ashlyn would expect or want nothing less for Cullen to do what he needed to do, sending Cullen back to Kirkwall both pained and frightened her. Duty, honor, responsibility, commitment. Sometimes he hated those words.

Alistair was restless. Although he knew that the work that he and Anora were doing was needed, it seemed so removed from the day to day lives of the people of Fereldon. Alistair decided that he and Anora should begin a tour of Fereldon, to lend a hand at the re-building process where they could. Pleased with himself, he marched off to find his wife. Besides, he wanted to see Ashlyn and give her a welcome of sorts at the Keep.

Anora was in her sitting room reviewing some documents when Alistair came bouncing in to tell her of his plan. Anora had not yet dressed. Her legs were pulled under her and her velvet dressing gown cascaded around her as though she was in a cocoon. The top of her robe was open slightly and Alistair could not help but notice her long graceful neck, the softness of her skin, and the swell of her breasts. He felt himself harden and he blushed. What an utter fool Cailan had been.

But something was different about Anora today. She looked different.

"Anora, you've changed something. You look different." Alistair blurted out.

"Oh?" Anora replied, somewhat mystified.

Still gazing at her, a triumphant look crossed Alistair's face. " It's your hair isn't it? You've let down your hair. It makes you look …" Alistair's expression softened and he whispered "… even more beautiful."

Realizing what he had just said, Alistair quickly became flustered.

"I- I- I 'm sorry. Did I say that? I did say that didn't I? Well I didn't mean it! Well I meant it, but you know, not in that way. Well, all right, I meant it in that way but… Well, perhaps I should come back later." He was babbling now and blushing. Anora felt a sudden urge to wrap her arms around him and plant a big kiss on his cheek, but she restrained herself.

"No, please stay. You flatter me and I appreciate it! Now you came in to see me for a reason I suppose, so how can I help?"

Anora was pleased that Alistair had noticed her hair and his appreciative ogle had not been lost on her. Anora had become increasingly aware of what a fine man Alistair was - a wonderful concoction of good looks, humor, sweetness , canny , and strength. It was perhaps at this moment that Anora knew that Alistair's charm and kindness were slowly but surely penetrating her defenses. Would he be patient enough to wait for her she wondered to herself?

Alistair collected himself and sat down beside Anora, forcing himself to look into her warm eyes and trying to avert his gaze from her breasts, and from the soft blond waves cascading over her shoulders. Anora listened to his plan.

"It is a fine idea Alistair. But there are two conditions." She said with a small mischievous smile." Firstly, we must make our way to Amaranthine first to check in on Ashlyn. And secondly, you must promise to do some sparring with me while we are on the road."

"Sparring?" Alistair questioned.

"Yes. It has been a while since I had a blade in my hand, and if I am to be any use on the road, given how few in numbers we will be, I need to sharpen my skills." Anora said rather matter of factly.

"Skills? Anora, no offense but have you ever held a blade? You can't just …" He trailed off

"My father was not without talent Alistair. He taught me a few things." Anora said."I tell you what. Let's have a practice session and if you think my skills are too limited, I will simply smile sweetly when we are attacked by vagrants, thieves, or some random darkspawn vestige, while you and your men kill them. "

"Very well my queen. I will meet you in training room." He said as he stood up. Rolling his eyes, he bowed.

But to his surprise Anora had ability. She was quick and graceful, and although perhaps a bit rusty she was indeed quite skilled. Alistair promised he would continue to spar with her. After the session, sweating and tired, they sat down on a mat on the floor and leaned against the wall.

"He taught you well Anora." Alistair said begrudgingly.

They sat there in silence for a while.

"He was jealous of you, you know." Anora said quite out of the blue.

"Hmm – what? Loghain? Alistair said.

"Cailan. He was proud of you Alistair, and jealous as well." She mused.

"Proud? Jealous? But he did not know me. I only met him once." Alistair replied.

" He kept tabs on you. I think he was lonely growing up. Maric was gone so much and Rowan died when he was young. I think he liked the idea of having a brother. He was proud of you when you became a Grey Warden, but jealous too. I think he wished he could trade places with you." Anora said.

"And Maric? What of him?" Alistair asked, tension in his voice.

"I don't know" Anora said softly. "I am sorry Alistair" she said and she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Did Cailan know about us?" Alistair asked

"No. Although there were times when I was tempted to tell him, but I didn't have the heart." She sighed.

"Well in his own way, he was a good King. He cared about his people. I was proud of him too – and jealous." Alistair said

"Jealous? Why?" she asked "I thought you never wanted to be King."

" He had you Anora, he had you." Alistair said sadly.

Anora reached up and turned his face to hers. Gently she caressed his cheek and searched his face. She hesitated, and then she leaned in to kiss him. It was a soft, gentle, warm kiss, and Anora melted into his arms. She tucked her head under his chin and he held her. It was as wonderful to taste her lips as it had been the first time.

XXX

"Push Ashlyn! Push!" Cullen said calmly. "Just a few more, love."

Ashlyn gritted her teeth and pushed down as hard as she could.

"Maker's Crap. You said that last time Cullen. This was a mistake. "Ashlyn screamed at him.

"Mistake or not, the baby is coming. That's good. I see the head. Breath and then push again…" Cullen just smiled.

With every last ounce of energy, Ashlyn pushed down again. Grimacing and groaning.

"That's it Ash. The baby is here, Oh Maker. Ashlyn, it's a boy and he is perfect." Cullen's voice was strained with emotion. Tears began to flow. Gently, he placed the baby in Ashlyn's arms. She too began to weep.

"Cullen," She whispered. "He's beautiful."

The year was over. Long weeks and sometimes months passed before that could meet, usually at Anora's family estate near Kirkwall, but each reunion they had, was always sweeter than the one before. Had she known she was with child, Ashlyn would never have done battle with the mother. And although based of her own knowledge, and the calming influence of Cullen, she knew the baby would be fine, she fretted and worried. But now, in her arms, baby Cayden was safe and whole and beautiful.

Ashlyn and Cullen could not be happier. Their time together during that long and difficult year was always too brief, but it was always exquisitely satisfying. Cullen was amazed at how his love for Ashlyn had deepened and grown. She was his strength, his passion, and when they parted, his pain. Her touch, her laugh, her smile, her deep understanding of who he was as a man, comforted him and brought peace to his raging soul. And indeed, as he learned more about the politics of Kirkwall, and the relationship between the Templars and the Mages there, his soul raged. Anger and fear, bigotry and fanaticism ruled in Kirkwall beneath the veneer of civility. He puzzled over the strange presence of the Qunari there. Sometimes Cullen wondered if the simple single-mindedness of the Qunari belief system was indeed superior to the fractured weakness he saw in Kirkwall. Ashlyn's calm and wisdom and her innate understanding of him always helped him tame the chaos in his mind and kept him from falling into the abyss of fanaticism that he was beginning to sense in Knight Commander Meredith.

His commitment to figure out what was happening in Kirkwall had faltered over the course of the last year. Hearing what horror Ashlyn had had to contend with at Vigil's Keep, how alone and frightened she had been without him, had given him pause. He loved Ashlyn so much that the thought of her in need of him and him not being able to respond was almost more than he could bear. But with the birth of their son, he realized that he must continue at the Gallows for he was a father of a child who might one day become a mage.

Alistair and Anora had enabled the mages in Fereldon to rule over themselves in collaboration with the Templars. But it was a fragile peace and there was still much to understand in order to mitigate any risks to this new model. Signs of trouble, of weakness among the Mages anywhere in Thedas threatened that peace and the possibilities it brought. He could not risk the consequences of failure for Ashlyn or for his son.

Ashlyn sat in the beautiful rocking chair that William the groundskeeper at Anora's estate had made her. Cayden was fed and happy. Ashlyn was overwhelmed with her love for the infant, and her love for Cullen. The room was dark, save for the light of one candle. She watched Cullen as he slept. She could taste her tears as they rolled gently down her face. Watching Cullen always filled her with joy and awe. He was such a strong man, kind and compassionate. She wasn't sure she would ever understand why he loved her. It was at that moment that Ashlyn made a decision that would mark their path for years to come.

In the few days Cullen had left before he had to return, he spent every possible moment he could with Cayden. He fussed and cooed over the baby. He changed him bathed him and rocked him to sleep. He had long discussions with his son about how Cayden had to watch over his mother, how he had to be patient with his parents who never thought they would be or even could be parents. He explained to Cayden about Mages and Templars and wardens, and why he was not going to be able to be see him every day. Ashlyn saw Cullen's love flow from him like a shaft of warm sun, and saw the sadness in his eyes, when he realized his time with Cayden was coming to an end for now.

Ashlyn had packed Cullen's things. He would be leaving again for Kirkwall.

"When will I see you again?" He said, his heart breaking. "When will you be ready to travel back to Amaranthine?"

"I am not going back there Cullen." Ashlyn said resolutely.

Cullen smiled "I can't say that I am not relieved. Denerim then? The Tower? Where will you be love?"

"I will be right here. I am not going anywhere Cullen. Not without you. Not ever again."

Cullen held her in his arms and kissed her deeply. He held her against his chest, stroking her hair. "I cannot tell you how much I want you to stay here close to me. I cannot tell you how much I need you and Cayden. But, are you sure? " Cullen asked.

"I have never been more certain of anything. I don't know how I can help you Cullen. All I know is that I cannot help you if I am in Fereldon, and there is nothing I cannot do for Fereldon – for Alistair - from right here. It is what I want Cullen, for me, for Cayden, and for you. It is what I need."

"Ash, I am scared. Kirkwall is corrupt. The viscount is weak. Orsino is weak. The Grand Cleric is kind, but passive and ineffective. Meredith has inspired fear and rebellion in Templar and Mage alike. The veil is thin, and the temptations are great. I feel alone and helpless. If you were to be near, if our son, were to be near, I cannot tell you how much that would mean to me. Cayden is the first," Cullen said "the first child born freely to a Mage and Templar. I do not want him to be the last. I do not know what the next few years will bring, but as long as I have you and Cayden then I truly have everything. I love you Ashlyn."

Ashlyn smiled. "And I love you."


End file.
